I'm sorry I'm bailing

It's being able to have the sorry I'm bailing exchange
without feeling bad.
I'm sorry and I know we had an agreement
but I trust you know that I wouldn't cancel on you
without good reason.
I'm dealing with some shit. 

What're you waiting for?

It's like something out of a movie.
It's not supposed to happen to us.
Maybe there will be a movie.
Oh my God, Kelsey just write something already.

What I didn't know.

I'm so sorry.
I didn't know.
I made that so much harder for you.
I didn't know.
But you know what?
Now I know.
I'm going to be better.
Now I know.
I know and I still love you.
Thank you for everything.

What I know.

My phone is constantly on 'Low Power Mode.'
Really living on the edge.
I feel like I got scammed into a $510 dental cleaning.
Don't worry, I'm going off my worthless insurance next month.
Truly living on the edge.
I move really expensive wine around the world for very wealthy people.
I have weird feelings about money.
Some days it's really fun + cool.
These days I seriously question my contribution to society.
I'm back in therapy.
Back in credit card debt.
Boys think I'm funny.
He liked me.
I'm done apologizing.
I'm learning to listen.
I'm trying to think less.
Keep things simple.
Palo santo + sage are on my list of desert island essentials.
Champagne + french fries are non-negotiable.
I read horoscopes regularly.
I still don't meditate regularly.
I've been dating recently.
So much work.
I miss when it was easy.
I miss the feeling like you never want to stop.
Texting. Talking. Touching.
When it's right, it's easy.
It's that feeling.
I want to take a bath in that feeling.
I don't know how to explain it.
It's that we could never be 'just friends' feeling.
I didn't have that feeling.
That's what I know.

Can't fight feelings.

I did the best I could.
It's hard to 'breakup'
if you weren't really dating.
What happened?
I was wrong.
It's just a feeling.
You can't fight feelings.

What really matters.

Everything changed.
Nothing stays forever.
Change is growth.
Growth is hard.
Why do bad things happen?
Why to good people?
Every obstacle is there to teach us something
so what's the lesson to be learned here?
At the end of the day, no one can take away
what really matters.

It's different.

I'm done feeling
the way I did for so long
like I need to apologize.

But it's still jarring
breath-taking
to meet a man who says,
"Stop apologizing."

What hurts.

What hurts is
I trusted a system
put in place to care for me
but it turns out
profit is the priority.
My health insurance is a joke.

A worn-out kind of way.

Maybe I shouldn't have
walked you home
on a wet hot summer night
after too many drinks.
But I did.

Maybe I shouldn't have
let you kiss me hard
on a random dark stoop
in Hell's Kitchen.
But I did.

Because I love(d) you.
In a worn-out kind of way.
There's nothing left.
We're tapped out.
Worn down.
Damaged.
Used-up.
Done.

27

A Manifesto for 27

'Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.'  - Joan Rivers

'You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.' - Rumi

'Time you enjoyed wasting was not wasted.' - John Lennon

If you can't change it, you can't complain about it.

Being direct is not the same as being aggressive.

'We are what we believe we are.' - C.S. Lewis

If it's not teaching you something, let it go.

You are more than a single performance.

Talk to yourself like you would a friend.

Everybody is doing the best they can.

You're allowed to change your mind.

The world is bigger than New York.

Nobody can do the Work for you.

There is no such thing as perfect.

Gratitude changes everything.

Clear communication is vital.

You are more than your job.

Growth is not always fun.

Discomfort is temporary.

Buy your own flowers.

Follow your curiosity.

Love yourself 10/10.

Go to the beach.

Practice piano.

Keep singing.

Dance often.

Be brave.

A new way.

How did we get here?
I think that's the worst thing about you.
You were there.
You heard more than I'd ever share with most.
Do you ever think about me?
Is it a waste of my thoughts to wonder?
To muse over what your life looks like?
Or the way you feel about things?
Maybe.
You mattered.
I can't undo that.
Cmd+z that.
If only it were that easy.
So what's the solution?
Find a new way.
A better way.

Take 4.

I don't want to be sad anymore.
Why?
What is going on?
You once said,
admitting is the hardest part.
I don't want to miss you anymore.
I miss you.
There.
I said it.

Take 3.

I don't want to be sad anymore.
Why?
What is going on?
Maybe it's whatever is underneath the thought?
That thought that surfaced yesterday.
Where did that come from?
I am not enough.

Take 2.

I don't want to be sad anymore.
Why?
What is going on?
Maybe it's waiting for him to call
The waiting is hard for me.
I have to give him space.
A new thing I'm trying.
Old thoughts 
fight for my attention.
I am not enough.
I'm doing the best I can.

Take 1.

I don't want to be sad anymore.

Why am I sad?

What is going on?

Maybe it's being single at a time in my life where that's not in the majority anymore.

The dating pool is shrinking rapidly and I'm going to die a shrew.

Dear God please no.

Am I really this person?

Is that really it? 

Am I lonely?

I like being alone.

There's a difference 
between 

alone and lonely.

Alone is physical.

Lonely is emotional.

So maybe that is it.

Lonely.

I'm sad because I'm lonely.

There I said it.

You (can't) find what you (don't) look for.

You know when you can't find what you're looking for?
You search for it.
You think about the last time you had it. 
You want it again.

You know when you realize may not find what you're looking for?
You start to doubt it's there. 
You feel a sadness creeping in.
You catch that swell starting to rise.

You know when you realize you have a choice?
You could be upset.
You could blame yourself.
You could blame someone else.
You could forget about blaming anyone because
you decide you will just have to live without it.
You have to learn to live with it gone.
So get on with it already.
It's that moment when you realize you weren't meant to find what you were looking for.
And it's that moment when you realize you can stop thinking about whatever you were looking for.
Now you've decided it's best you didn't find what you were looking for.
Stop looking for what you don't need.
Start looking for what you do need
and it'll be there.
And maybe you'll find it.
It's simple.
You (can't) find what you (don't) look for.

So what're you looking for?

Hard and Clear

One of the first inspirational quotes I found on Pinterest.
Back when I was writing about another boy.
Write hard and clear about what hurts.
Ernest Hemingway.
Simple enough.
So what hurts?
Where does it hurt?
How does it feel?
It hurts.
I'm sad.
I've been here before.
I'm sad because I lost something.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for being there.
Thank you for believing me.
Thank you for staying awake all night.
Thank you for morning-after drive-thru coffee.
Whatever it was is gone.
Let it go.

What are the odds?

What are the odds that one of your favorite artists works with one of mine?
Don't read too far into it.
What are the odds?
Regardless of the likelihood,
it doesn't mean anything.
It says something though.

Bobby pins

The jewelry is nice but how about a one pound box of bobby pins?
Talk about a gift that keeps on giving.
Thank you.
Next.

You should read this

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/01/books/review/david-brooks-second-mountain.html
My boss recommended it to me and it's great.
I think you'd love.
I'm sorry for the way I handled things.
I hope you're well.
I think what you're doing is cool.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
I loved My Brilliant Friend.
How did you know?
You always know.
Read the book.

Ciao.

This show

This show is great.
It makes me think
and in another life,
I'd send you a message.
A read receipt would give you away
and bring back a small thrill.
Away we'd go.
Wherever you decided
because whatever friendship we had was built around you.
Your convenience.
You said you we're friends
but reached for intimacy that is not friends.
And I stupidly gave it to you.
Tell me I'm wrong.
What are you afraid of?
Caring about someone?
Admitting that you don't care about someone?
Acknowledging that someone means something?
Being seen by someone?
I miss your attention.
I miss those read receipts.
Small proof that
even just for a second
I had your attention.
And until you send a response,
I know you're thinking about it.
About me.
Yea. I miss that.
So I'm watching this show
and I have these impulses
grabbing bits of my attention.
I'm getting better at letting them go
but they find their way here
to a blank page.
It's easy.
What made you think I'd like this show?
What does that say?
What are your thoughts?
Do I remind you of her?
This amazing character.
Too smart for her own good.
Too stubborn for most men.
Is that it?
And she's Italian.
She's beautiful.
'She'd make my mind blur.'
That's it.
You made my mind blur.
Another way to say you're too much,
my (old (brilliant)) friend.

Dates = Effort

I have a date tomorrow.
I'm nervous.
I'm second guessing.
I'm sad.
I want it to be you.
I hate that about you.
And it's not.
Thank God it's not.
It's never going to be.
I made certain that it'll never be.
Because it's not meant to be.
And I'm sad this is the way it has to be.

So I'm going on a date tomorrow.
Putting myself out there again.
I'm making the effort.
Our dates were never an effort.

If you ever read this

If you ever read this,
I want you to know
I think what you're doing is great.

If you ever read this,
I want to say
I think we could've done better.

If you ever read this,
I want you to understand
it hurt me to care about you.

So if you ever read this,
know that I miss whatever we had.
And I compare every date to whatever we had.
And I pray to God someday I find something better than whatever we had.

And lastly,
if you ever read this,
I'd love to know your thoughts.
But I bet you'll never read this.

Facts vs Feelings

I couldn't sleep.
We slept together.
I thought I was special.
You made me feel special.
Can't argue the facts.
Can't argue with feelings.

hm

What am I feeling?
Like I'd rather be singing WICKED right now than dealing with these thoughts.
Sad. Annoyed. Happy. Pathetic. Wistful. Annoyed again.
Ok maybe mostly annoyed?
Annoyed? 
Try again.
Curious.

I love Facebook.

How did I get here?
How in God's name
did I stumble through the Internet
to wind up here.
How the hell 
did you go from reading about 
non-exempt vs. exempt employees 
to feeling butterflies in your stomach 
and catching your grinning?

Fuck you, Facebook.

Doubt that.

At least it didn't go far.
I let it go too far.
At least he cares.
He doesn't care .
No part of me wants to doubt that.
Some part of me wants to doubt that.

How much you/I/we love.

I don't think I'll ever understand how much you love me. I'm reading this book and weeping because it's so beautifully written. I want to write like that. I want to tell the world how much you did for me. How amazing you've been my entire life.

You have always been there. You worked a lot but you were there when we were kids. Remember the times you came home from work when I was learning how to ride a bike without training wheels? And you'd push me. Over and over again. After a long day at the office. Still in a button down and a tie.

I love the childhood you gave us. It was colorful and sunny and rich in experiences. When I think about how much I love you, I feel my heart pull and my tear ducts well. Before I know it, I'm crying. It's always been like that. I don't think you'll ever understand how much I love you. But I'll try to explain anyway.

I don't think we'll ever understand how much we love.

Not interested.

What is it to the art of conversation that some people have so naturally?
Listening.
Why is it so hard to listen?
Because listening is active?
You're not physical moving per se but you have to tune-in.

He's a great listener.
I miss those conversations.
The ones that keep you up all night.
The intimate ones that happen in the quiet container of the car.
He's a great driver.
I miss those car rides.
The ones that happen late at night.
I always felt safe when he was driving a car.
In regards to whatever relationship/friendship/fuckedupship we had,
we were both pretty reckless.

Now I know I was responsible for my own suffering all that time.
By choosing to not
remove him from my life.
By letting him lurk in the periphery
and appear when most (in)convenient.
By leaving the door open.

Well now the door is slammed shut.
Cemented shut.
I fucking burned the house down.
Good riddance.
It was for the best.
Because now I get to build something brand new with someone else.
Because even if he should reappear somehow,
I'm not interested.
Repeat as many times as necessary.

Rewrite the script.

I wonder if he'll text me again.
I'm curious about him.
Born there. 
Raised here.
Wordly.
I could reach out first.
We'll see about that.
I better keep my shit together.
That's aggressive self-talk.
At least I notice these things.
And that's the first step to improving.
Now re-write the script.
When I see him next, I'll shine.
Because I'm a goddman star.
Better?

Great.

I've been thinking about you.
I don't know what it is.
And then I start to think
about where I was a year ago.
Unraveling.
Uprooting.
Coming undone.
You were there.
Remember?
You were great.
Are great.
I hope you have what you want.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
Because I don't know what I want.
But I think I found something great.

I've been thinking about you.
Not great.

Typos

Typos are a trigger.
It means I didn't double check the work.
I didn't take the time.
I rushed.
It says something about me.
Depending on the context.

A typo at 8am on my day off
is very different
from any other typo.
Right?
Sure.
We'll go with that.

I'm still annoyed.
And a little anxious.
We're working on it.

Never Not

I may never
not think about certain people.
Certain boys. 
Ghosts of my past
that I look for any excuse to let out
and indulge
even just for a second.
When that song plays.
Or I add it to a playlist. 
When that bottle of champagne appears.
Or I'm in bed alone.
In the times between the 'busy'.
I start looking.

I may never not.
But I might just.

Red Flag | Green Light

It was a red flag.
This is a green light.
I couldn't slow down.
Maybe I'm moving too fast.
It was the same thing.
But this could be different.
I really thought I might be different.

I Saw You in a Dream

I saw you in a dream.
We were
in the same place
at the same time
on the same page.
It was nice.

I woke up annoyed at myself.
My curiosity
fascination
wonder
borderline obsession
with you.

You bring out
the romantic
the dreamer
the child
the crazy
in me.

It's not good.
It's not reciprocal.
It's not real.
It's make believe.
It was just a dream.

New Game

My new game is 

how little can I care. 

For a while, I was terrible.

I cared more than I want to admit. 

You know that right?

How could you not?
Even after 

settling on

agreeing to

trying so hard to be

forcing myself to believe it was

just friends,

I cared too much. 

I hope she's great. 

Whoever she is. 

I'm just bitter that 

she's not me. 

Rules

We followed the rules.
I broke the rules.
But it doesn't matter
if we followed the rules
or if I broke the rules
because there are no rules.
And now I realize,
with no rules
you get no exceptions.
And I thought this was an exception.
I thought it was something different.
Maybe something special.
But this world with no rules,
there are no exceptions.
The only rule is
no rules.
No exceptions.