Maker/Breaker/Wrecker

I never thought of myself as a troublemaker.
Trouble just seems to have a way of finding me.

I never thought of myself as a rule-breaker.
Rules just don't always make sense to me.

And I never thought of myself as a home-wrecker.
It's not wrecking if it's already falling apart.

Stop Indulging

It's an indulgence.
A guilty pleasure,
a dirty secret,
a  temptation.

Where is my self-restraint?
Some self-respect,
some self-regard,
some self-worth.

Think about the delayed consequences.
See beyond the instant gratification.

Indulgences are pretty distractions.
Really pretty,
sweet,
delicious,
comfortable,
alluring
distractions.

Stop indulging.

How It Was

It was like sleeping with somebody you used to love.
Somebody you used to call home.
Somebody you tried to make home.
And realizing you don't know them anymore.
You don't need them anymore.
You don't even want them anymore.
It was like that.

The Worst Icebreaker

Yesterday I went boating. It was a beautiful day to be out on the water.
I love the water. Living in the city, I realized how much I missed the water because every time I flew in to West Palm, my eyes would be glued to the window so I didn't miss a second of the view of that brilliantly, blue water. I took it for granted growing up. Like so many other things right?

We passed these multimillion dollar homes.
And I'm thinking, "Why does anybody need that?" Maybe I'm still riding the kick from that minimalism documentary I watched the other night on Netflix. But I think it's more than that. I used to think living in a gorgeous house on the water was "living the dream". And don't get me wrong- those homes are stunning. But my dreams are changing.

I was the only lone wolf in the group. Everyone else was attached to a conventional familial unit.
This is my life now. I'm that young, single woman with no attachments who people immediately want to set up with their son who just graduated from college and is home for the summer. I'm sure he's actually very mature for his age and I'm still actually not interested but I don't have the courage to shut it down so I just settle for, "Well, I'm flattered." It's funny being away from the city now. Apparently, in this part of the world a single girl (woman?) my age is a unicorn.

I didn't mind it much or think much of it until we got to the sandbar and one of the moms decided to strike up a conversation with me by asking me, "So, do you have children?"
...no. No I do not have children. Nor are children in the near foreseeable future. In fact, I take active measures to prevent even the possibility of having children. I know she's trying to be nice, I'm trying to flex my empathy muscles and see things from her point of view but my internal monologue is a big, fat eye roll plus a mental note to add that question to my list of the worst icebreakers.

A Letter I'll Never Send

Hey.

It's been a while.
It's been x days.
I want to say,
I hate to admit,
I think about you.
I think I miss you.

Goddammit.

By Hand

There's something about doing it by hand
washing the dishes
writing a letter
keeping a planner
that technology misses.

There's something about actually touching it
a book
a map
a face
that helps me understand.

A Memory

I felt inadequate in that world.
I felt beautiful in his world.
I felt rejected
I felt loved
for a long time.
for a little while.

Funny/ random/ sad

It's funny-
he remembered.

It's random-
he shared.

It's sad-
he (hasn't) changed.

Happy to Keep His Dinner Warm

When I first started working in the office
I thought it was kind of fun.
It was fun to play secretary.

This morning I answered the phone at work
the same way I always do.
"Britech Industries."

That's it.
I don't give my name,
I don't say good morning,
I don't ask how I can help you.

Well,
there is a gentleman out there
who thinks I have the most beautiful voice in the world,
who absolutely loves the way I answer the phone,
and who wants to steal me away
to come work as a receptionist at his multi-million dollar business.

I couldn't stop laughing.
Not because I was nervous or uncomfortable
but because I was actually humored.
I couldn't believe he was serious.
I'm not trying to be good at answering the phone.
I don't even like answering the phone
and now I'm confused as to how
someone thinks I'm so good at something
that I don't really care about.

I hope my boss doesn't read this.

Purpose

It's not about being accepted.
It's about belonging.
It's not about the job.
It's about the calling.
It's not about searching.
It's about creating.
It's not about waiting.
It's about starting.
It's not about knowing.
Its about learning.
It's not about the product.
It's about the process.