Alone

Sleeping away from the city,
Sleeping away from you,
I remembered something. 
I discovered something.   
Space is a luxury.
Space is a necessity.
I love sleeping away.
I love sleeping alone.
Time away is good for me.
Time alone is good for me.

Fourth Reason

Come on, what are you doing?
Come on, what are you doing?
Have you even read it yet?
I know you read it already.
I hate that you hate read receipts.
I love that you love read receipts.

A Bathtub

I just think I 
I think I just
fell in love with
fell in love in
a bathtub.
a bathtub.

Hot Water

Honey, why's this water so hot?
Honey, this water is not hot enough.
That's your problem,
That's my problem,
you were too hot.
I like it too hot.

Whatever the Reason

Honestly,

Secretly,

I will be extraordinary

I would've been mediocre.

for me.
for you.

You Leave

Going forward, if some thing
Going forward, if some man
does not bring you joy
does not give you joy
but takes up your time,
but takes up your space,
you leave it.
you leave him.

No Energy

Money is just energy.
Relationships are just energy.
You trade pieces of paper
You trade pieces of yourself
for goods or services.
for love or companionship.
You may end up with more.
You may end up with less.
I am done chasing money.
I am done chasing relationships.
I am exhausted.
I am exhausted.

Laundry

Why do I hate laundry? 
Why do I hate laundry?
I see the clothes I wore
I see the mistakes I made
and I remember what inspired me. 
and I remember what fooled me.
I thought I was different.
I thought you were different.

Third Reason

It says something about my relationship
It says something about my prorities
with this person
to this person
before I even send my actual response.
before I even send my actual response.

Two Reasons

Why do I have my read receipts?
Why do I actually have my read receipts?

So any who text me regularly
So boys who (    ) me regularly
know when I read their message.
know when I read their message.

My read receipt makes me aware of 
My read receipt makes them aware of 
how soon I need to respond.
how soon I chose to respond.

Just Kidding

I returned to a candle burning
I left a candle burning
in my apartment.
in my heart.
Just kidding.
Just kidding.

Your Concern

You know what you did?

You know what I did?

You made a choice.

I made a choice.

Your choice is your concern.

My choice is not your concern.

We took a chance.

I took a chance.

We are done.

I am done. 

I understand

I do not understand

why you did it.

why I did it.

Our time is up.
Your time is up.

Patience

You think I'm a bitch
I think you're a bitch
because I have no patience
because you have no patience
for men who think they are smarter than me?
for women who know they are smarter than you.

Social Media

I see you in a picture.
I see us in a picture.
I see just the surface.
I see beyond the surface. 
I make shallow observations.
I make intimate observations.
An then I move on from
And then I get caught in
that picture.
that memory.
I escaped.
I'm trapped.

Start v End

At the start
At the end
it's hard to think.
it's easy to write.

Too Much

What is wrong?
Too much.
Am I falling?
Too hard.
Am I dreaming?
Too loud.
Are you real.
Too short.
Not ready,
Too fleeting.
Not yet.
Too soon.
So soon.
Too quick.
I hit the pavement.
Too fast.
Good morning.
Too early.
That was rude.
Too flitting.
I had a feeling.
Too familiar.
Same as last time.
Too little.
We played like kids.
Too young.
I should have known.
Too naive.
It never lasts.
Too smart.
I am different now.
Too frustrated.
I need to get rid of you.
Too angry.
Get out of my space.
Too predictable.
Stop wasting my time.
Too jaded.
I am relieving myself of you.
Too independent.
I am ridding myself of you.
Too tempting.
I am done.
Too smart.
I am better.
Too confident.
I am. 
Too much.

Leftovers

You know what I miss?
You know what you miss?
The way he did leftovers.
The way he did small things.
He put so much
He put so little
time and effort
time and effort
into small things.
into big things.

Jealousy

I feel jealous when
I do not feel jealous when
I find a reason.
I do not find a reason.
I was right.
I was wrong.

So I need your help to see
So I do not need your help to see 
the best in
the worst in
men. 
boys.

I will try
I will not try.
but I doubt
but I believe
you will be any different.
you will be the same.

Definitions

Art.
Emotional vocabulary.

The words I use to express
The ways we use to express
what I feel
what we feel
when I feel something hard to explain.
when we feel something hard to explain.

My words are
Your ways are
complex,
simple, 
personal,
cliché,
evolving.
outdated.

I may not ever create
You may not ever possess 
art 
emotional vocabulary 
that can define me.
that can define me.
But I will try.
Good luck.

Now v Ever

You are not
I am not
ready for me.
waiting for you.
Not now.
Not ever.

A Bad Choice

Ok here we go.
You know when you
I wasn't expecting it,
take a risk,
Didn't see it coming,
try something new?
caught me completely off-guard.
Well right after,
A little later,
I couldn't say why
I was writing furiously
but I had a feeling
and I had a feeling
I had made the wrong choice.
I wanted to make a bold choice.
I could try to make excuses
No more sorry excuses.
Or I could just throw it away.
I am done with you.
I don't know why.
I don't care why.
Somehow I knew.
I had a feeling.
It was a bad choice.
Time's up.
I'm never ordering from Golden Woks again.

Suggested

Who's in charge here?
I am trying to figure out who to hold accountable.
What's going on with my 'suggested' searches?
Why are these people suggested?
You think I should see these people?
Every time I try search for something.
Who is the genius responsible?
Jesus.
I want someone to blame
It's me.
And may I kindly suggest
I created the problem
You create a way to reset
And I will find a way to reset.
What is 'suggested'.
Write them out.

Do/ Do not

I should
I should not
listen to Lemonade,
listen to Adele,
go for a run,
sit on the couch,
call my mom.
text him back.

I will
I will not
appreciate the memories,
disregard the memories,
mine the feelings,
ignore the feelings,
find the words.
hide the words. 

Do:
Do not:
Take yourself on dates.
Take it personally.
Be alone.
Be empty.
Let it happen.
Resist.

Personal

Why is it so hard for you to share your writing?

It's getting harder to share.
It's getting scarier to share.
It's personal.

It's personal.

It's been personal for a while 
It's been personal for a while 

but this is different.

with you it's different.

It's a challenge.

It's a thrill.

You actually read what I write.
What do you actually think my writing?
Does it scare you?

Does it scare you?
Does that matter?

What I write matters.
I write for me.

I write about you.
I don't care what other people think.
I do care what you think.

Sometimes I wonder about the people I've written about.
Sometimes I wonder about the feelings I'm figuring out.
Not just you.
Because of you.

He didn't read my writing towards the end.

You've read my writing from the start.
I don't know what's happening.
I know exactly what is happening.

I feel like I'm having an affair
It's like I'm having an affair
with language.
with you.
I keep reading poems,
I know I need to stop.
looking for quotes
I know I should quit.
listening to songs.
I am trying. 
I am trying to write the way my brain works.
I am doing a shitty job
It's personal.
It's terrifying
My brain is personal.
My words are personal.

The Thief of Joy

Somewhere
On Pinterest
I read comparison is
the thief of joy.
Well,
whoever said that
Teddy Roosevelt?
didn't know anything about
Me
hindsight.
But hindsight is
a comparison 
between the present
and the past,
isn't it?
Damnit.

It Doesn't Matter

At the end of the day
It doesn't matter.

But I will wonder,
and I will wish that I could  
hear your thoughts
the way I hear mine.
Anything. 

The polite phrases 
you so kindly offered
did not impress
because
I will imagine 
in clear detail
why you did 
what you did.
What I did.

Not because I want to
take it back, 
do it differently,
but because I want to
relish it, 
savor it,
swallow it,
learn from it,
and never repeat it.
And maybe finally
let you go,
let it rest,
let me rest.

But like I was saying-
At the end of the day
It doesn't matter.

That Feeling

He says he needs to be honest about something.
You see the "..."
and you start imaging what the next message is going to be.

You feel your stomach grip.
You feel your body brace
You feel tears begging to burst.

It's happening.
Emotions.
I don't want these.

Is it about the writing?
Please don't let it be about the writing.
What am I going to do if it's about the writing?

Oh, thank god.

Wait.
You must be joking.
At least it's not the writing.

Oh my god.
Are you kidding me?
Not again.

Why did I let this happen?
Goddammit,
Kelsey. 

You would've actually
but you didn't actually
so there's one to blame actually.

You shouldn't have gotten so carried away.
You knew this was going to happen.
You did try to stop yourself. 

You were already falling.
You are smarter than that.
Open the message.

Let him know you fucking saw it.
Everyone should have read receipts.
Let him know you took your time to respond.

And Kelsey-
make him wait.
Let him wonder.

I am writing you out
like the one before.
I really hope you see this.

I'm an idiot. 
Whoa.
My hands are shaking

Why the fuck can't I catch a break?
I think I'm going to get sick.
That feeling.

Oh fuck.
Oh god.
I WANT TO SCREAM.

Get a grip Kels.
Be efficient.
Protect your heart.

                                                        Ok.
                                                                *Read at 8:24pm
Fuck you.
I thought this was different.
I felt things that were different.

Are you satisfied?
I am.
You were waiting for my response?

What if I deleted the thread?
Is that a big enough 'fuck you'?
But we have the best banter.

GODDAMMIT
!!!!
I HATE THIS

Call a friend.
Jesus Christ.
He's giving you back your own advice.

You thought you were so smart?
Where was it going anyway?
Did your brain completely melt in the sun? 

Pain.
It demands to be felt
Get it out.

Look what she did.
He broke her heart.
She changed the world.

Surprised?
He was too.
Nobody saw it coming.

Realizing 
there is nothing I can do
But let this go.

It's happening
exactly the way it's supposed to happen.
Let it happen

That feeling.
Goddammit.
Find the words for
that feeling.

Gratitude

Thank you for
another example of
men being assholes
and being the exception.

I will always remember
three dates where
I felt like a kid again
and the bar you set.

I am grateful for
two weeks of
modern romance
and letting me down softly.

I want to say
I'm writing a lot
and I'm still going.
thank you.

Hey

80 days later.

1:12AM: Hey

I deleted the number.
but I still have it memorized.

I am happy.
I am really happy.
No part of me is trying.
It feels good.

It's happening;
what you said would happen.
Amazing.
You were right.

But of course.
Of course it's now 
that you choose to reach out.
Now when I'm finding happiness
without you.
Now that it's late enough in the night 
where you will chalk this off as a drunken mistake.

You know what I thought about tonight?
After I read your message?
Remember that time you took me to that thing?
That thing where you introduced me
as a friend.
After two years 
of crying,
of fighting,
of trying.
Some might argue that 
it was a small thing to get upset about.
But I think
of all the things that you did
that hurt me,
that 'small thing' was
the absolute worst
because it said to me that
you didn't care.
Funny how in time I realized,
I was right.

You know why I thought about that today?
Because I will never let that happen again.
I will never be with someone who doesn't
introduce me properly.

1:12AM (Him): Hey
                            *Read at 2:58am

*^ I have nothing to say to you at this time.

^Typed at 3:35am

Questions

Bar seats or table?
Will you pull the table out when I slide into the booth?
Sparkling or still?
Is that really important?
What's your idea of a perfect cocktail?
What's your idea of a good tip?
Am I being too aggressive?
Have you ever dated a girl who works in hospitality for a living?
Is that what I tell people I do now?
How do you feel about oysters?
Is he going to try to order a bottle of wine?
Should I let him take the lead? 
Or do I assert myself?
What is the price point?
Do you have any food allergies or major aversions?
Wow Kels, can you just chill out?
What temperature do you order your steak?
Is that your idea of chill?
Will he ask what market price is?
Are you fucking serious?
Are you done playing waitress now?
Do you even know how to go out to dinner like a normal citizen anymore?
When someone cooks dinner, do you do the dishes?
Is he cut from the same cloth as my dad?
Why is that so important..?
Do you give up your subway seat if the opportunity presents itself?
Will he think I'm a brat because I am going to take a car home?
Will we be taking one car or two?
Are you a firm believer in recycling?
Do you believe in science?
Thoughts on John Krasinski and Emily Blunt?
Aniston or Jolie?
Celebrity couple compatibility?
Is that even a thing?
Do you like dressing up?
Do you like dressing down?
Do you like not getting dressed at all?
Do you make the bed in the morning?
Would you be happy rolling around in bed with me all day?
What are you preferences in regards to shower water temperature/overall duration?
Do you actually floss your teeth?
Does anybody actually floss their teeth?
What's your favorite dessert?
He always let me order dessert.
Or would you rather drink dessert?
Is he the espresso martini type?
Why am I so judgmental? 
How do you feel about reality TV?
How many of your exes made you watch an episode of The Bachelor?
Do you think I'm crazy yet?
Do you enjoy dancing?
Are you a good dancer?
Would we be good dance partners?
Why don't I go dancing more?
Do you talk during the movies?
How much butter do you ask for on your popcorn?
What's the last movie you saw by yourself?
What are you afraid of, Kels?
Will we end up fighting if we play Monopoly?
Are you competitive enough for me?
You wouldn't just let me win, right?
Have you gambled before?
What's the risk here?
What am I doing here?

I Can't Sleep

Why can't you sleep?

I can't stop thinking.
I can't stop thinking 
About you.
About me.
About us.
About the night we accidentally 
Stayed up all night and 
Watched the sun rise while 
Listening to the sound of the waves.

About
The talking.
The listening.
The smiling.
The joking.

The drinking.
The testing.
The teasing.
The toying.

The walking.
The tightening.
The softening.
The dancing.

The kissing.
The grazing.
The tingling.
The gazing.

The running.
The catching.
The pulling.
The wrapping.

The driving.
The challenging.
The attempting.
The tempting.

The igniting. 
The burning.
The deciding.
The sneaking.

The leading.
The following.
The asking.
The answering.

The exploring.
The guessing.
The allowing.
The discovering.

The giving.
The taking.
The demanding.
The reciprocating.

The begging.
The gratifying.
The pleasing.
The pleasuring.

The whispering.
The gasping.
The resisting.
The releasing.

The crashing.
The rolling.
The rising.
The falling.

The sharing.
The dreaming.
The revealing.
The imagining.

The wondering.
The questioning.
The marveling.
The bewildering.

The pining.
The craving.
The lusting.
The feening.

The missing.

Well.
No wonder you can't sleep.

Poetry?

feeling
he liked the 
poem you sent him 
the poem that 
pulled on your heartstrings so hard the first time you read it 
but also set it on fire 
because it inspired you 
to find a man that could make you feel all those things 
those things that you struggle to put into words 
and this poem made you feel those things 
in bright vivid colors 
as opposed to 
the muted tones 
that had become your palette 
for the last few years 
he liked 
that poem

writing
he liked the
poem you sent him
the poem that 
pushed you off the cliff so hard the first time you read it  
but also jolted you awake from your dream 
because it inspired you
to write down your thoughts about all those things 
those things that they struggle to put into words
and this poem inspired you to write those things
in bright loud colors
as opposed to
the softer tones
that had become your voice
for the last few years
he liked
that poem

sharing
he liked the 
poem you sent him 
the poem that 
helped you breathe so much easier the first time you read it 
but also terrified you 
because it begged you  
to share what you had written about all those things 
those things that all artists struggle to put into words 
and this poem begged you to share those things
in bright bold color 
as opposed to 
the black and white 
that had become your life 
for the last few years 
he liked 
that poem

And it's ok if you really like that about him.

A Challenge

ugh write kelsey 
stop letting yourself 
get distracted 
you need to 
appear less eager 
maybe take 
a few minutes 
before responding 
but i know 
you can't help it 
because your mind 
fires at a million miles an hour 
whenever you're talking 
to someone who really
challenges you 
there it is again 
that phrase 
that phrase that 
has defined 
so much 
of this relationship 
all because you 
challenge each other 
is that the secret

do you have 
a favorite artist
like if someone asks you
what would you say
like 
fuck i need to 
learn about art 
if someone asks me who 
my favorite impressionist is 
i would definitely be like 
umm 
remind me who 
those guys were
i can’t with 
this year
i’m already overwhelmed 
bye 
over it


in the fault in our stars 
they say 
falling in love is like falling asleep 
slowly and then all at once 
well 
if that's falling in love 
then i'm doing everything in my power 
to stay awake
i am kicking 
and screaming 
and slamming espresso like there's no tomorrow 
because i cannot fall asleep 
i'm too smart to fall asleep 
i hated falling asleep 
when i was a little baby 
i would kick 
and scream 
and work myself up into such a fit 
that i'd eventually pass out 
from sheer exhaustion 
i did this 
every night 
for at least 
my first two years of existence 
true story 
you can ask my dad 
stay awake kels
will this be 
the real challenge