Hey, it's ok.

Hey you.
I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening
when you tried to tell me,
in the best way you knew how,
I needed a life of my own.

I willingly threw a lot of energy into a life with you
and I thought it was working.
Because from what I chose to see,
we were happy.
For the most part.

I felt like we had something special.
Something that people around us didn't understand.
Because from what I chose to believe,
we were worth it.
For the most part.

But what about those other few parts?
The parts that I knew were missing.
The parts that pushed us apart.

You said over and over again,
"We need to have our own lives."
All I heard was,
"I don't want a life with you."
Hindsight is funny.
We don't get it until
whatever we're looking at
is behind us,
right?
I'm hearing it differently now.

So now that time has passed,
I know we did the best we could.
We loved each other the best way we knew how.

We're getting "better".
Evolving.
Leveling up.
Taking care of ourselves.
Changing.
Whatever you want to call it.

I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.
For that- I can't possibly be mad at you.
In fact for that- I will always love you.
It's a different sort of love than we used to have.
I think my love for you will always be there.
It's just changing.
And that's ok.

There are days where it's hard for me.
It's ok.

There are days where I want so badly to reach out,
to get a little taste of our old romance.
And sometimes I do.
It's ok.

It's hard but it gets easier.
I've done this before.
Love is fucking hard.
I don't like the idea of letting love go
but I can let it change.
It's ok.

I want you to have
the most brilliant life.
I want you to have
everything you ever dreamed of.
I want you to find someone
who you can't live without.
You will.
And so will I.

That's what I tell myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is
it's ok.
I'm ok.

All my love,
Kels

Selfish

I don't write for you.
I write because of you.
You did what was best for you.
You said it was best for me.
You pushed me away.
I am writing you away.
It's easy for you to be selfish?
It's hard for me to be selfish.

Hearts

As human beings,
As emotional beings,
our hearts have a limited capacity.
our hearts have an unlimited capacity.
Some push their bodies-
Some limit their hearts-
Olympians.
cynics.
I'm no Olympian.
I'm a romantic.

My Worst Enemy

Nostalgia is the devil.
It's unreliable.
It's personal.
It makes me homesick.
It's looking back.
It's my worst enemy.

Because I want to move forward now.

Questions

I ask if I want to know.
I ask if I think I know.
Asking is easy.
Answering is not.
I like talking to you.
I like listening to you.

Parents

I am in awe of parents.
I  am confused by parents.
Parents are superheroes.
Parents are masochists.
Children are a gift.
Children are a burden.
Parents are teachers.
Parents are also students.

I will spend the rest of my life trying to help my parents understand how grateful I am for them.
Thank you, Mom and Dad, for existing.
For finding each other.
For raising me the way you did.
Thank you.
I need better words and until I figure it out, all I can say is thank you.
Oh, how about this?


I love you.

Running

What am I running toward?
What am I running from?
Exhilaration.
Stagnation.
The chase is delightful.
Stillness is a struggle.

Lean Out

Excuses-

Emotions-

the more you say,

the more you hear,

the further I lean out.

the further you lean out.

Differences

You need time.

I need time.

It was too soon.

It was too late.

You tried to be honest.

I tried to be brave.

On Sabbatical

Last week, I flew to Ohio for what I thought was going to be a short visit/tune-up. My quick trip turned into an extended stay and that extended stay is starting to sound like a sabbatical to me.

So, what am I going to do with this time that has been given to me away from the hustle and bustle of New York City?? 

GREAT QUESTION.

• Continue training for my half marathon. My younger brother ran a half marathon a few years ago and came in around 1 hr 45 mins (rude). I was aiming for under 2 hrs but now my dreams have changed (I'm competitive). Training is essential but I don't like running outside when it's below freezing and I get bored on the treadmill. I have 31 days and I'm going to be fine.
• Help my parents. There is a reason why most "adults" do not want to ever live at home again. My parents and I have always had a great relationship but as we all get older (I'm never getting "old"), it has changed and coming back to live with them has presented a set of new challenges. For example, the old challenge was getting me to eat breakfast before going to school. The new challenge is recognizing that they cannot make me eat breakfast even if they think it's what is best for me.
• Focus on myself. What the hell does that mean? I'm not exactly sure. I think it means spending some time alone. Maybe I take up meditation again? God knows that was not happening for me in New York; something about trying to find peace/stillness in a city that is constantly in motion was really difficult but that's just me.
• Practice. It is so nice to come home and sit down at the piano. It is also incredibly annoying because all the pieces that I used to fly through, I suddenly have to think about. However, there are pockets of certain pieces that I especially loved that come back like no time has passed at all. I want to keep plugging away at the guitar and my ukulele is still in New York but will be joining the party shortly.
• Write. A handful of people, who I trust (not exactly sure why), have encouraged me/told me/challenged me to continue writing. So that's what this is- a response to a stimulus. Not sure what my writing will turn into and I don't care right now. I just need to write. 
• Read. I have a (very rapidly growing) list including: The Husband's Secret by Liane Moriarty, How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett, and It Takes A Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us by HRC (I did not finish What Happened and I am always the person who finishes what I start). I love reading and thank goodness for my mother's library card because I read fast and books are expensive. 
• Listen. 
• Get a job? This will be a challenge seeing as how I have a significant amount of travel lined up in the coming months. If I were an employer, I would hire someone else. So getting a "real job" is sort of out of the question. However, I was out the other night (with my parents because I have no friends in Sandusky yet) and there may be some opportunity to help out with a catering company that is just getting started. Honestly, working a few catering gigs in middle America sounds a lot sweeter than a waitressing in downtown Manhattan. 
• Travel. I fly to Florida in just over 2 weeks to be at the wedding of one of my oldest friends. How amazing is that? It certainly beats this fake spring happening in Sandusky at the moment. Also, weddings are fascinating and thought-provoking. Remind me to write on my experience post nuptial.
• Cook. Ok, let's not get too ahead of ourselves. 
• Slow down. I hate this phrase. I put it in the same vein as "one day at a time". I'm supposed to embrace the present. Be "mindful". Growing up, I never thought about mindfulness. It's a word that I only recently became aware of and it's really rocking my boat. I always want to think about what's next. Why is it so hard for me to enjoy what's in front of me? Is this why people go on sabbatical? Will I be able to reach a new level of mindfulness? First of all, I'm not even sure how you can measure mindfulness. Maybe it's one of things that "we'll never know"? I'm curious.
• Unplug a bit. I found myself getting really caught up in social media/email/technology while I was in New York. It was starting to feel like I was being bombarded by a lot images/messages and it was overwhelming. I took time to clean out my email- that was a huge undertaking considering I've had the same email address since high school. I'm still using my smartphone and I'm still on social media but I'm trying to be more "mindful" of the time I spend attached to the screen. There's that word. Can we call that progress? 

I am learning to love being on sabbatical. It's a slow process because it's not what I thought I wanted but it turns out, it is exactly what I need. 

Ring Off

Growing up, I always thought that
if a boy loves you, he buys you things.
I thought if he really loves you, he buys you a ring.
And one day, some poor unfortunate soul will love you so much
that he will buy you a big, beautiful diamond.
Whose idea was this originally?
De Beers.
Some genius marketing team in the 1930s came up with that slogan,
"A diamond is forever"
and it worked brilliantly.
In the 10+ years I've been dating,
I've had two rings bought for me.
They were beautiful and I loved them.

But both of them broke.

How much more of a sign do you need, Kels?

P.S. "Ring Off" is a Beyoncé song that inspired this rant.

Catching a Sunrise

I woke up and caught the sunrise this morning.

The blinds in the bedroom I'm sleeping in were closed.
So I got out of bed to open them
and then crawled back under the covers 
where it was warm.
It was lovely while it lasted.

When is the last time I caught a sunrise?

The idea dawned on me somewhere in the midst of romance.
So we got in the car  
and drove down to the beach 
where it was actually a little chilly.
It was lovely while it lasted.

P.S. I don't love the word "lovely".

A Love Letter

Dear New York,

You were all I thought I ever wanted.
But now I don't know what I want.

So where does this leave us?

When I look back on the time we've shared,
I see a life that no longer satisfies me.
Please know that I wouldn't want to change anything about our time together.
I learned a lot from you.
I would argue that the greatest lesson I learned is that you are not for everyone.

So where does this leave us?

A lot of shit has gone down the last few months.
I was starting to feel like I wanted something else.
But like in any relationship where every day is a fight just to get by,
the longer I stayed in this relationship,
the more I lost sight of what it is that I want.
I was not okay and I'm not sure you are what I need right now.

So where does this leave us?

You learn about different kinds of bias in psychology.
It's hard for me to look back because hindsight is 20/20.
It's hard for me to see my own faults/mistakes because I always do the best I can.
How can we blame or get mad at anyone for that?

So where does all this leave us?

Well, I am leaving you. For now.
I need time and space.
How much?
I don't know.
But I do know that I have to give myself a chance.
A chance to figure myself out- away from you.

You will always be there for me.
You were always there for me and the 8.5 million other people
that you're in a relationship with at any given moment.
We loved each other the best way we knew how.

New York,
you ugly, smelly, gritty, dirty, beautiful, decadent, vibrant, rude city,
I am out of words for you.

"If you love something, let it go. If it was meant to be, it will come back to you."
- Cecelia Ahern, author 

Ciao,
Kelsey

For Mom

I want more of this.
I want less of that.
There are things I don't know yet.
There are things I haven't written yet.
My mom says, "You know what you need to do."
I am hearing it differently now. 
She also says, "Slow down."
I say, "Keep up."
Thank you.
I love you.

What Do You Want?

I can be overwhelming. 
I can be challenging.
I can be a lot.
I can be more. 
I am endlessly fascinated.
I am endlessly distracted.
New information inspires me.
Old information does not. 
Science is easy.
Language is challenging.
Calculus was easy.
Writing is hard. 
My dad says, "If it was easy, everybody would do it."
I say, "If it was easy, I wouldn't even be interested."
Figure it out, Kels.
What do you want?

Pretty Normal

Last night I went out to dinner with an old friend. I was very much looking forward to it because we were going to a place that I had never been before and one of my favorite old coworkers would be taking care of us so I was already set up for success.

Everything was fantastic.
Great food.
Great wine.
Great service.
Great company.

But the most fascinating experience was an exchange I had with the table of men that were sitting behind us. Here's my account of what happened.

My friend went to the bathroom and left me solo.
I like being alone.
I am good at being alone.
Maybe I should be alone for a bit.
These men behind me saw a young, attractive woman sitting alone
and it must've really been interesting to them because I could feel them staring at me.

I turned around in my seat, looked right at them and raised my glass.
Cheers, guys.
I see you.

That was all it took to open the door.
I asked them what they were drinking.
They asked me where I was from because that was important and
once it became clear that I wasn't going to tell them, 
they were obsessed with trying to guess my ethnicity.

I love this ridiculous game and I have gotten really good at it.
Because if you don't know, you will have a very hard time guessing.

It's one of my favorite games to play.
Because I get to make the rules.
I tell my tables at work that I will pick up their entire check if they can guess.
They love the challenge.
It also infuriates people when they keep guessing wrong.
They also are not satisfied when I tell them I'm from Florida.
"But where are you really from?"
I told you, "I'm from Florida."
Why aren't you satisfied?
Because you asked the wrong question?
That's on you.

So I lay out the rules.
The prize will be a bottle of wine.
They get 10 guesses to figure out my ethnicity.
Because that's what you really want to know right?
What makes me look the way I do?
Someone at their table agrees.
My date is still in the bathroom while this is going down.
I am a lone agent.
A lone.
Alone.
See what I did there?

Now the game is afoot.
Persian.
Portuguese.
Chinese.
Lebanese.
Turkish.
Greek.
Italian. 
I already told you I wasn't Italian, are you listening?
Although I am certain that I was Italian in a previous life.

They are having trouble as I expect.
This goes on much longer than it needs to.
They're just guessing randomly now.
But it's fun to challenge people.
I live to challenge people.

They ask me to give them a hint.
Why would I help you?
Is it in my best interest to help you?
No.
In fact, I want you to lose.
I want a bottle of wine.

The game escalates and one of the men says I can pick any bottle I want if I tell them.
You will regret saying that.

By the time my date returns, I am done playing.
I don't even care about the bottle of wine anymore.
Because you see, I bought my own bottle of wine.
And it was really good.
I didn't actually need another.
I gave them plenty of chances.
They lost.

I inform them that the game is over and I ask to see the wine list.
They want more time.
They want me to help them.
They want to win.

I remind them that they lost and based on what we agreed to earlier, my next bottle is on them.
You said it, not me.
You told me I could pick any bottle I want.
Oh, you didn't really mean it?
That's funny.
Why would you ever agree to something that you don't want to do?
I would never make a bet if I wasn't ready to settle up.

One of the men seemed the most invested in puzzling me together.
So I called him over and I told him.

To say he was humbled/fascinated/intrigued feels like an understatement.
He was so impressed that he said I could order whatever I wanted.
I decided just a round for me and my date with dessert would suffice.
Because that's not as much of a commitment as a bottle?
What would've happened if I let them buy me a bottle?
I would've ended up sharing it with them.
I would've gotten to know them more.
That's not what I wanted.
I got exactly what I wanted.
You think I should've made them buy me the bottle?
Why?

I don't even remember what my prize was because it didn't matter to me.
It was sparkling and delicious, that's all that I remember.
It was everything I wanted in that moment.
I got what I wanted.
Why can't that be my life?
Oh wait, this is my life.

It was a very enlightening conversation and I hope I taught those men something.
Maybe they will realize one day, that it really doesn't matter where someone is from.
What they really were trying say maybe was, "We've never seen anybody like you."
Of course you haven't. 
We've only just met.

They taught me something too.
How exciting.

This is pretty normal for me now.
This is my life.

Here's the Thing

People say,
"Proceed with caution."

I say,
"If I've made up my mind, why wait?
Why wait if I've processed all the information I need to make a decision?
Me and caution are taking a break."

Thinking About Love

I LOVE...
champagne.
puppies.
sunshine.
the ocean.
pizza.
wit.
laughter.
helping people.
figuring out ways to help people.
teaching people.
challenging people.
people.
people who live unapologetically.
a lot of different things and I change my mind a lot.
Is that a problem?
How about this?
Let's say I am realizing what was there all along.