Bids for My Heart

I seem to have developed a habit.
It appears that when I return from any sort of trip
I am a little bit in love with wherever I just left.
The places I visit seem to hold on to a little piece of my heart.
Most recently, I was flying back to Ohio
after spending a glorious couple of days alone in San Diego
and I found myself sitting at an airport wine bar
reading about post-vacation blues.
I was bummed about coming home.
What is it about a destination that is so romantic as opposed to my home?

Well, home is familiar
and there is that saying
"familiarity breeds contempt".
Destinations are foreign
and there should be a saying
"novelty breeds love".
and it's all exciting.
So, it makes sense that
I get swept up by the romance of these new places.
What is it about romance that is so alluring as opposed to my reality?

But it's also interesting returning from places
I used to call home because
they are familiar to some degree.
Those places seem to hold on to pieces of my heart too.
When I lived in Florida,
I couldn't wait to get out.
Now that I live outside of Florida,
I can't wait to get back.
What is it about nostalgia that is so beguiling as opposed to the present?

In thinking about where I want to make my home,
I get overwhelmed.
I hear "home is where the heart is"
but there are some strong bids vying for my heart
and all of them already have pieces of it in their hands.
What is it about me that is so indecisive as opposed to sure?

Do I just fall in love too easily?
Will I ever be able to "settle down"?
Too big of questions to tackle before a second cup of coffee.
Hold please.

Arachnid Crisis

I'm really trying to be at peace with myself and the world around me.
Kumbaya.
It seems to be going well today until
I spot a larger spider crawling along the wall of my room.
Crisis.
I hate spiders.
I know we swallow 7 a year in our sleep 
but that annoyingly disturbing information doesn't help anyone.
I know I am going to have to deal with this creature somehow.
So, I take one of several notebooks I have lying around
and smash the shit out of it.
All without smearing it into the carpet, mind you.
Then I go upstairs to eat pizza.
My plan is to return to the scene of the crime
and dispose of the evidence somehow.
Usually I take 3-4 tissues, 
pick up the dead thing,
wince as I hold the mass of tissues as far away from my body as possible 
and throw it into the toilet as quickly as possible.
I'm SUCH A GIRL, I KNOW.
Well, I get back to my room and the spider is gone.
WHAT. THE FUCK.
This is the worst thing that could've happened
because that means there is an arachnid on the lose somewhere in my bedroom.
I have a hard enough time sleeping as it is.
First thing I decide to do is swear up a storm,
followed by a solid 45 seconds of wining.
Then I throw a very brief temper tantrum
and half-heartedly beg my dad to come downstairs to help me.
Spoiler alert: he did not come to my resuce.
When it appears I have no other choice,
I decide to man up a la that amazing song from BOOK OF MORMON.
"I'm gonna man up all over myself!"
Hilarious and brilliant.
I figure this stupid spider couldn't have actually gotten that far
because I do believe I at least managed to maim it earlier.
My deductive reasoning leads me to the conclusion that it had crawled behind my very heavy desk.
I never realized the extent of my own determination until I was confronted by this stupid spider.
I single-handedly move this piece of furniture and
there it is.
I'm not really in the mood to smash it anywhere
so I scramble to find a dustbuster
and I suck it away.
If only all of my problems were so easily remedied.

Overwhelming

My parents and I were driving home from the airport this past Saturday.

They were picking me up after another lovely trip to my lovely hometown. 

It was 80 degrees and sunny when I got on the plane.

It was 30 degrees and dreary when I got off the plane.

So we're driving along and they inform me that
we are having two med students over for dinner.

Here's the thing- 
I don't sleep when I'm in Florida.

I was exhausted and the prospect of entertaining

I knew it wasn't up for discussion because I am living in their house

where they call the shots.

So I decide to employ some positive thinking 

and after gathering more information about our dinner guests I remark,

"Oh, I'm excited to meet these med students."

My father's immediate response-

"Please don't scare them."

I burst out laughing.

My dad thinks I'm overwhelming.

So overwhelming in fact

that I might scare off two grown-ass men

who are in pursuit of medical degrees.

This should be fun.

Dinner was great.
My mom is a fantastic cook.
I seemed to have missed that set of skills somehow.
I held my own over the course of conversation
but immediately became an absolute non-threat when we hit the pool table.
I am so bad at shooting pool.
Shooting pool and bowling are serious weaknesses of mine.

But the earlier exchange with my dad got me thinking.

Am I overwhelming?

What is overwhelming?

Is there some standard to measure people against as under/over/just plain whelming?
No.

It's entirely subjective.

You think I'm overwhelming?

That's fine.

It's not a good or a bad thing.
And it's not a permanent thing.
It is what it is.
Take it or leave it.
Or change it.
We choose our own adventure,
wouldn't you agree?

Driving

I enjoy being a driver. 

I enjoy being a passenger.

I love the solitude.

I love the company.

I'm happy arriving alone. 

I'm happy traveling together.

Friends v Lovers

Slow is sustainable.
Fast is fleeting.
Friends are treasures.
Lovers are disposable.
Admit it.
Deny it.

Polarizing Items

1. "You are enough."

• Love the sense of empowerment. 
• Hate that it leaves me alone. 
• Also- enough is weirdly finite and I'm not explaining it properly right now.

2. "It takes a village."

• Love the community. 
• I understand that people want to connect and I love certain people.
• Hate the meteorological forecast in my current village. 
• Sandusky is the current village and the weather makes me miserable.

3. Love

• Love being/falling in love. 
• Hate the aftermath of love gone wrong.
• But that's part of the deal right? You don't get true love without opening yourself up to potential heartbreak. Annoying.

4. Driving

• Love being in the car alone. 
• I do some of my best singing/dancing in the car. I would love to make an appearance on "Carpool Karaoke" but alas, no one is interested in watching me when they can have whoever has appeared on that show recently.
• Hate parking.
• I have never been good at parking and parallel you can just forget about. 

5. Living at home

• Love my parents. 
• Hate living with my parents as a 25 year old trying to be an adult.
• Self-explanatory.

Thanks for That

Thanks for the memories.
Thanks for the inspiration.
I pull them up when I write.
I turn it up when I write.
They're good inspiration.
They're ugly memories.

Eat, Pray, Love?

I was recently asked if I could have my Julia Roberts Eat, Pray, Love moment where would I go?

It was hard for me to answer.
I was also sitting by the ocean having breakfast on a perfect spring day.
I was overwhelmed.
The world is so vast, how can you possibly answer a question like that on the spot?
I thought about it since and here's what I came up with.

1. Eat my way through San Sebastian.
I love the flavors of Spanish cuisine and tapas are just the right size for a small adult like me. For what it's worth, San Sebastian also has the most Michelin stars per capita outside of Japan and since I'm not a sushi connoisseur, Spain takes the cake. At one point, I had a trip planned and San Sebastian was on the itinerary but alas, life got in the way. Going back on my own terms feels like the right move.
2. Pray my way to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro.
Mandy Moore recently climbed Kilimanjaro and I admire her based on the little I see from her social media/various acting roles/interviews. I realize this doesn't sound like a legitimate reason to most people so I'll also add that my Oma, who is a living embodiment of wanderlust, set off to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro but had to turn around right before she reached the summit. Altitude sickness got the best of her and the worst part was she had medicine with her to prevent it. But she is weird about taking pills. So, making it to the top of that mountain feels like I would be finishing what she started.
3. Fall in love with Positano.
I recently decided and have been telling anyone who would listen that I was Italian in a previous life. Positano is by the ocean and as anyone who knows me also knows, I love the ocean/I am Moana. 

So there you have my answer to an excellent question.

Paris

They call it the cosmopolitan capital of France,
My life has been cosmopolitan.
one of the most beautiful and romantic cities in Europe,
Beauty and romance can be found in any city.
the city of light,
Most cities have light.
the capital of fashion.
Fashion is fleeting.
I love the idea of Paris.
Whose idea of Paris?
Paris in the rain, right?
The rain here is my favorite rain.
I need to see Paris.
I want to see Paris.

Life is Funny

I can't stop laughing.
I spent all day convincing myself of something
and then life threw a curveball.
Food poisoning.
What are the odds?
Does laughing at the situation make me a bad person?
I'm sorry our dinner plans fell through 
in such an unexpected manner
and I would never wish illness on anyone.
Sure, part of me is disappointed 
because I was excited
even though I did my best not to be.
They say the name of the game is rolling with the punches
but I think "they" forgot to include the part where
you have to seek out the humor.
Otherwise- you're just getting punched in the face all the time.
I loved him because he made me laugh,
which is more than I can say for other tortured souls I've dated.
Humor is subjective.
People change.
In the end, I guess I got 
metaphorically punched in the face
a few too many times.
It wasn't funny anymore.
I am 100% certain of few things
but I know life is funny.
And I want a life full of laughter.

P.S. I'm over anyone who says my laugh is too loud.

Young and Dumb

We were so young the last time we did this.
It wasn't a date then.
For obvious reasons.

And it's not a date now.
So why was I/am I nervous?
Young and dumb is the saying, no?
Well here's the thing-
we are smart.
We've always been smart.

We were young.
We're different now.
Now we're old(er).
And wise(er)?
I hope so.
I have to keep telling myself that.
I don't want to make the same mistake again.

I never liked the idea of getting old.
I don't feel old.
Until my knee starts revolting agains me as I run.
I run a half marathon on Earth Day
in one of the most beautiful places in the continental U.S.
Or at least that's what I've been told.
If I got an amazing trip out of every half marathon I run,
I'd run more.

I never liked running before
but now it feels necessary
and running through my childhood home
is like therapy in a way.
These trips home are a trap in some ways.
It's so easy to fall in love with this place.
Life here is warm and sunny and happy.
My other life was cold and gray and dreary.
The other life never felt like home.

New York is frantic.
Stuart is leisurely.
New York is massive.
Stuart is tiny.
I always liked driving fast though.
Maybe it's the thrill of getting caught.
There's something to be said for that, no?
The rush.
Apparently, "that rush" releases so much dopamine 
that your limbic system hijacks your moral senses
but the crash is the worst.
Thank God I never crashed a car
but I do have multiple points on my license.
Points = mistakes. I'm learning that slow doesn't always mean bad.
Friends doesn't mean you can't care about someone.
Leaving the city you always dreamed of doesn't mean you failed.
Not knowing what you want is ok.
I'm figuring it out.
It's not a date.
And we are not young and dumb.

British is Better?

I had a blast with a bunch of Brits last night.
They were all perfectly charming.
The accents,
the education,
the foreign idioms,
the amount of laughter,
the stories of traveling the world,
the relentless witty banter,
the uninhibited enthusiasm on the dance floor.
They are lovely people.
And I always thought Brits were boring...
Boy, was I wrong.
And now I'm falling down the British contemporary pop rabbit hole.
It's a fun place to be, 
I must say.

My Natural Habitat

When I was growing up in Stuart, Florida,
I 100% took it for granted.

I took it for granted that 
I could skip AP Calculus
and drive to the beach.

I took it for granted that
I got a world class education
both academically and artistically.

I took it for granted that
fresh seafood here
is the freshest money can buy.

I took it for granted that 
the beach was in my backyard
and seasonal depression was nonexistent.

I took it for granted that
Publix is the best grocery store.
and their egg salad is my favorite.

I took it for granted that
25 cents got me the most indulgent, 
delicious garlic knot.

I took it for granted that
even when it rains, 
the grey doesn't linger.

I took it for granted that
I could play outside
every day of the year.

I took it for granted that
driving with the windows down
and blasting good music is therapeutic.

I took it for granted that
the people I met here
are the truest friends I have.

I took it for granted that
this small sleepy town
gave me everything I needed.

It's my natural habitat
and every time I come back,
it gets harder to leave.

Rich

I don't want a rich life.
I want a life that is rich.
I was different then.
I am changing now.

Expectations

Expectations create reality.
Expectations create disappointment.
Let it be.
Let it go.

Listen to Audra

I saw Audra McDonald perform
at Hill Auditorium in Ann Arbor.

I was a heartbroken sophomore
and she was (is) a Tony Award-winning superhero.

The things I remember most vividly are
her ardent love of Chipotle (this was before E. coli outbreaks)
and one simple phrase-
"turn the page".

Those three words hit me so hard
they became the title of my Facebook photo album for that semester.

And now, here I am, 7 years later,
still thinking about those three words.

Turn the page.
Block the number.
Delete the thread.
Erase the voicemails.
Ignore the calls.
End the conversation.
Unfollow the account.
Unfriend the user.
Make new playlists.
Scrap the cards.
Toss the pictures.
Drink the wine.
Donate the clothes.
Buy new sheets.
Cut your hair.
Lose the weight.
Get a tattoo.
Splurge on jeans.
Run the race.
Close the door.
Change the lock.
Quit your job.
Leave the city.
Remove the option.
Eliminate the temptation.
Find the distractions.
Stop looking back.
Shift the focus.
Focus on yourself.
Take a break.
Book the flight.
Learn something new.
Keep on writing.
Read the books.
Play the piano.
Embrace the change.
Dream new dreams.
Three little words.
I want more.
Turn the goddamn page, Kels.