Taking Inventory

It's 3pm on a Sunday afternoon in Brooklyn.
If you had told me a year ago that I'd be living in Brooklyn,
I might have laughed.
Honestly,
it's hard to say for certain
because me a year ago
feels like a completely different person.
Tomorrow is New Year's Eve.
It's also my brother's birthday.
Everyone raise a glass to that amazing young man.
I'm 26 years old. Single.
No prospects in sight.
It's better this way.
And I have no solid plans for the evening.
But I'm ready for 2019.
2018 feels like a big year.
A shit year.
A year where a lot of shit went down.
So I'm taking inventory.
Inventory is a big part of my job now.
Inevitably,
there is loss.
But every once in a while,
I find something I never realized I had.

Friends.
Lost.
Gained.
Rediscovered.

Family.
Challenged.
Cherished.
Prevailed.

Career.
Paused.
Recalibrated.
Embarked.


Personal.
Upended.
Achieved.
Relocated.

Thank you, 2018.
Next.

Ready or Not

I thought that I was ready.
But I'm not.
I thought it would be easy.
But it's not.
I didn't think it'd be this hard.
But it is.
I didn't think it'd hurt this much.
But it does.
I'm not ready.
But ready or not,
what's done is done.

The Year of You

I wanted this year to be
the year of me.

I realize now it became
the year of you.

A pretty start
with an ugly end
and some volatility in between.
A predictable pattern of mine.

I've arrived
at the point where
nothing is left.
No doubt.
No question.
No curiosity.
No hope.

No dreams.

No magic.

No time.

I'm ready for a new year.

All the Money in the World

Money helps open doors.
Money helps fight the clock.
Money helps clean up a mess.
Money helps fix things that break.

But all the money in the world 
can't conjure joy where there is none.

Be specific.

Sloppy. 

It was sloppy. 

I hate that. 

Same content. 

Different context. 

Changes everything. 

See the upside. 

I cut the chord of the crazy loops

that start to turn whenever he starts 
creeping back into my thoughts. 

It doesn't matter. 

He didn't care. 

He doesn't care. 

He is not going to care. 

Let it lie. 

Just be done.

Or at least start writing again. 

Shower Temps

You know it's good when
You know it's bad when
you can find the sweet spot
you can't find the sweet spot
like it's nothing.
like it's complicated.

A (Little) Distance

I love taking the train to Brooklyn
because it's above ground
and it's easier to appreciate the city
seeing it clearly
from a (little) distance.
You know people like that, don't you?

Game Over

It was always a game.

Games are fun.

It was a good match.

They're hard to find.

But I'm tired.

I'm done trying.

I'm done losing.

I don't have the emotional energy

to play anymore.

So game over.

Not a Good Time

It's just not a good time
physically
emotionally
spiritually
financially
politically
for me to be dating.

Things I Don't Need

I haven't seen him.
But I keep thinking about him.
And I think I'm looking for him.
Maybe just a little.
A lot.
Why are the things I search for
things I don't need.
How can I blame you?
Why are the things I want
the things I don't need.
Consumerism.
The patriarchy.
Too much?

A New Commitment

It's amazing.
We're a perfect fit.
It's definitely work.
I think I'm in love.

And it's not a boy.

Choices

I made some choices today.
You sent an email.
You signed papers.
Things are falling into place.
I feel relieved now.
I'm more at ease now.
I don't know if this is right.
I may be wrong and see
a different life for me.

So this is what choices feel like.
This is what making choices feels like.

A Dress

I bought this dress 2 years ago.
Because we were going to dinner.
At his boss' apartment.
Her chef husband was cooking.

I almost got rid of the dress.
Because I lost weight.
And it just kind of hangs there.
I thought I wanted an update.

I wore that dress today.
Because I gained weight.
And it just kind of hangs there.
I got so many compliments
on that damn dress.

Ice Cream

I don't know what I'm doing.
I ate too much ice cream last night.
And cheese and drank beer.
So I ran a very slow 4.4 miles this morning.
I'm trying to get into a groove.
And I've eaten nothing all day
except coffee
and I still feel gross.
What a rip-off.
It was worth it.

I start this job tomorrow.
Because the job I really want is holding out
and I have to start making money.
Now I'm a host.
We'll see how this goes.
I don't know what I'm doing.
"Who does?!"
He says.
He was always really ok with that.
Supporting indecisiveness. 

The New Girl

Being the new girl.
It's like you're a toy.
A shiny, new toy
that everyone wants to play with.
I am really good at being the new girl.

Maker/Breaker/Wrecker

I never thought of myself as a troublemaker.
Trouble just seems to have a way of finding me.

I never thought of myself as a rule-breaker.
Rules just don't always make sense to me.

And I never thought of myself as a home-wrecker.
It's not wrecking if it's already falling apart.

Stop Indulging

It's an indulgence.
A guilty pleasure,
a dirty secret,
a  temptation.

Where is my self-restraint?
Some self-respect,
some self-regard,
some self-worth.

Think about the delayed consequences.
See beyond the instant gratification.

Indulgences are pretty distractions.
Really pretty,
sweet,
delicious,
comfortable,
alluring
distractions.

Stop indulging.

How It Was

It was like sleeping with somebody you used to love.
Somebody you used to call home.
Somebody you tried to make home.
And realizing you don't know them anymore.
You don't need them anymore.
You don't even want them anymore.
It was like that.

The Worst Icebreaker

Yesterday I went boating. It was a beautiful day to be out on the water.
I love the water. Living in the city, I realized how much I missed the water because every time I flew in to West Palm, my eyes would be glued to the window so I didn't miss a second of the view of that brilliantly, blue water. I took it for granted growing up. Like so many other things right?

We passed these multimillion dollar homes.
And I'm thinking, "Why does anybody need that?" Maybe I'm still riding the kick from that minimalism documentary I watched the other night on Netflix. But I think it's more than that. I used to think living in a gorgeous house on the water was "living the dream". And don't get me wrong- those homes are stunning. But my dreams are changing.

I was the only lone wolf in the group. Everyone else was attached to a conventional familial unit.
This is my life now. I'm that young, single woman with no attachments who people immediately want to set up with their son who just graduated from college and is home for the summer. I'm sure he's actually very mature for his age and I'm still actually not interested but I don't have the courage to shut it down so I just settle for, "Well, I'm flattered." It's funny being away from the city now. Apparently, in this part of the world a single girl (woman?) my age is a unicorn.

I didn't mind it much or think much of it until we got to the sandbar and one of the moms decided to strike up a conversation with me by asking me, "So, do you have children?"
...no. No I do not have children. Nor are children in the near foreseeable future. In fact, I take active measures to prevent even the possibility of having children. I know she's trying to be nice, I'm trying to flex my empathy muscles and see things from her point of view but my internal monologue is a big, fat eye roll plus a mental note to add that question to my list of the worst icebreakers.

A Letter I'll Never Send

Hey.

It's been a while.
It's been x days.
I want to say,
I hate to admit,
I think about you.
I think I miss you.

Goddammit.

By Hand

There's something about doing it by hand
washing the dishes
writing a letter
keeping a planner
that technology misses.

There's something about actually touching it
a book
a map
a face
that helps me understand.

A Memory

I felt inadequate in that world.
I felt beautiful in his world.
I felt rejected
I felt loved
for a long time.
for a little while.

Funny/ random/ sad

It's funny-
he remembered.

It's random-
he shared.

It's sad-
he (hasn't) changed.

Happy to Keep His Dinner Warm

When I first started working in the office
I thought it was kind of fun.
It was fun to play secretary.

This morning I answered the phone at work
the same way I always do.
"Britech Industries."

That's it.
I don't give my name,
I don't say good morning,
I don't ask how I can help you.

Well,
there is a gentleman out there
who thinks I have the most beautiful voice in the world,
who absolutely loves the way I answer the phone,
and who wants to steal me away
to come work as a receptionist at his multi-million dollar business.

I couldn't stop laughing.
Not because I was nervous or uncomfortable
but because I was actually humored.
I couldn't believe he was serious.
I'm not trying to be good at answering the phone.
I don't even like answering the phone
and now I'm confused as to how
someone thinks I'm so good at something
that I don't really care about.

I hope my boss doesn't read this.

Purpose

It's not about being accepted.
It's about belonging.
It's not about the job.
It's about the calling.
It's not about searching.
It's about creating.
It's not about waiting.
It's about starting.
It's not about knowing.
Its about learning.
It's not about the product.
It's about the process.

Note to self

Hey Kels,

I know you’ve been going through a tough time.
I know you thought your life was going to look a lot different at this point.
And I know this is really hard for you.

Do you know where you are?
Take a good look.
For the first time in your life,
you’re smack in the middle of tension.
The dip.
The shit.
The slump.
Welcome.

I know you hate it here.
I know you want to leave.
I know you feel left behind.

But look at what you’re doing.

You’re asking the tough questions.
Who’s it for?
What’s it for?

You’re quieting all that chatter.
You’re adjusting the frequency.
You’re creating space for possibility.

You’re emotionally letting go.
You’re learning to not know.
You’re taking it one step at a time.

And guess what?

You’re going to be fine.

You may not make a decision at the end of the altMBA.
You may not make a decision at the start of the new year.
That’s ok.
Here’s the catch.
You will not make a decision if you’re aiming for the right answer.
Because there is no right answer.

You can find more clarity.
You can summon more courage.
You can cultivate more curiosity.

And one day,
maybe where you least expect it,
you will have an answer.
How exciting.

Until then,
lean in to resistance,
embrace the tension,
hold on to the gifts of the past,
let go of what you don’t need anymore,
and savor that silence.

Listen.
And when you hear it,
turn that shit up.

Trust the process.

Love,
Kels

P.S. I’m your biggest fan.

Sunset Miles

I went for a run this evening.

Because I slept in this morning,
I sat at a desk all day,
I ate an entire bar of chocolate last night,
and a candy bar during my lunch break,
and I texted that boy back
because he's fun.

To some degree, it was a good idea.

Because the sunset was beautiful,
the air was refreshing,
the pavement was comforting,
the water was calming,
the pain was distracting
and I was feeling better.

To another degree, it was stupid idea.

Because I started off with an aggressive pace,
I forgot how buggy it gets at night,
I ate too much for dinner,
and had half a glass of cheap Pinot Grigio,
I could barely see the sidewalk,
and I wanted to vomit.

But I did it.

Romantic?
Sure.
Stupid?
More likely.
Would I do it again?
Ha.

Every time

Every time he reaches out,
don't forget he shut you down.

Every time he makes you smile,
don't forget he makes your eye twitch.

Every time you miss that warm water,
don't forget to take a cold shower.

Every time you hear that song,
don't forget you can skip it.

Every time you muse over that night,
don't forget the rude awakening.

Every time you think it's different,
don't forget it's always the same.

Every time you miss it,
remember that you don't need it.

Every time he says it's just friends,
remember there's no such thing.

Rewire your imagination.
Rewrite your story.
Reframe your perspective.

You've done it before.
You'll do it again.

What are you waiting for?

Priority

He says "when our schedules allow".
I hear "you're not a priority".
He says "friends".
I hear "convenience".
Stop talking.
Start listening.

An Apology

I forgot how to play.
Play became work.
"Success" become paramount.
Everything but was "failure".
Then you showed up
and you made me laugh.
You told me it's ok
to not know.
But I wanted answers.
I wanted facts.
I wanted to get it "right".
I made it "serious".
I added pressure.
I killed possibility.
And now,
I'm sorry.

Sports

People around the world really care about soccer.
Football.
I used to be one of those people.
Well- 
let me be clear.
I care(d) about a man
(boy?)
who cares about soccer.
Soccer was one of the first things I quit.
My future with the sport was doomed from the start.
Are we laughing about that yet?

People in the United States really care about baseball.
The Great American Pastime.
I've never been one of those people.
And
let me be clear.
I care(d) about a boy
(man?)
who cares about baseball.
Baseball was one of those things I never got into.
My interest in the sport never took off.
Isn't that ironic?

Too much

I think we should stop.
I think you should leave.
I want more space
I want more time
to figure out
to write out
my feelings
my thoughts.
There is too much
There is too little
for me
from me
on the line.
on the page.
I care too much.
I edit too much.

Music is Personal

"Without music, life would be a mistake." 
- Friedrich Nietzsche

I remember

nights towards the end of summer,

we blast Fleetwood Mac out of 

big stereo speakers and 

dance around the coffee table while 

singing along at the top of our lungs.

All the sliding glass doors are be open and 

for that moment

it feels like summer will never end.

We made playlists.
It was my idea.
He told me he was great at making mix CDs
back in the day
so naturally I asked for one.
He agreed only if
I made one for him.
This was on my way to the airport.

I'm freaking out a little
because music is personal.
Sharing music is intimate.
What if he doesn't like it?

But once I started,
it became fun.
I had my playlist finished by the time I landed.

Suddenly, those old songs 
meant new things.
The songs from the year we made that first bet,
the bet he lost.
Although, I think in the end 
we both won.

Both playlists ended with the same song.
Coincidence?
No such thing.
Modern romance.
We have a problem.
You're sneaking into my space.
The space that I spent these last 80 days reclaiming.
But I like having you there.
I want you to be there
and that terrifies me.
Because what does that mean?

JK

It's 
floating and falling
all at once.

It's
starting and stalling
at the same time.

It's
placation and provocation
in perfect unison.

It's
magical and miserable
in equal amounts.

I can't get a grip.
I don't have the words.

I hate you.
JK.

Gifting Myself

I am abandoning perfectionism.
I am rescuing my creativity.
I gift myself permission to fall.
I gift myself the chance to rise.
There will be no single answer.
There will be lots of bad ideas.
Trust the process.
You got this.

My Favorite Distraction

You're a familiar day-dream.
You're a recurring nightmare.
It's simple.
It's complicated.
I'm at ease.
I'm off balance.
You're my favorite distraction.
You're my dreaded exception.

How

How can I draw a map
if I'm afraid to look up
at the new landscape?
You can't.

How do I embrace the new
if I'm having trouble
letting go of the old?
You don't.

How am I going to move forward
if I'm secretly wishing
I could go back?
You won't.

At times like this
my mom says to me,
"You know what you need to do."
She's right.

Connections

Maybe we're all just trying to connect.

That's why communication is such a big deal.

To connect, we need to clear the way.

So that ideas/ thoughts/ feelings can flow between two people freely.

Clear the way of clutter.

All the clutter that doesn't matter.

money,
jewelry,
fancy dinners,
expensive wine,
fast cars,
designer drugs,
pretty faces,
small talk.

Take it all away and what are we left with?

...hold please.

Try

I'm not a superhero.
I'm not a punching bag.
I can't stop the train.
Stop pushing me onto the tracks.
But I will try.
Will you try?

Reconstruction

In being with him,
I seceded with parts of myself.

I'm putting myself back together.

"Art"

I learned your "art".
I forgot about mine.
That "art" 
My art 
was "good".
was "struggling".

Resistance

Too close for comfort.
Too close for discomfort.
Push back.
Pull ahead.
Take a seat.
Take a leap.

Push It

I push myself
I push the limits
as far as I can.
as far as they let me.
I never break.
They stay intact.
Well, I broke.
Well, they broke.
I didn't expect it.
I didn't try to stop it.
Surprise.
No surprise.

Finding Home

You were my escape.
You were my home.
Everything was new.
Everything was safe.
I wanted a home.
I needed an escape.

A Question

I'm staying here indefinitely
in the house I moved out of 8 years ago
because I had a nervous breakdown
and needed to push pause
so now I'm here
in this small little town
in this big old house
where everything reminds me of a life I used to live
but it's all different now
especially because there's no piano,
which is killing me because
you know I love a piano
so my question is
can I come play your piano?

Lies

I remember my earliest lie.
I remember my latest lie.
It was easy,
It was hard,
no big deal.
a big deal.
I was sure.
I was lost.

Enthusiasm

I'm reclaiming the enthusiasm of my childhood.
What can I hold responsible for it's decline?
Inhibition.
Fear.
Shame.
"Failure".

Getting excited, displaying enthusiasm, is vulnerable.
It's visibly showing that I'm jazzed about something.
I'm so into whatever it is, in fact, that I can't contain myself.
My excitement spills out in laughter,
my eyes light up,
I lean in,
I start talking with my hands,
I get consumed by the very thought.

Enthusiasm isn't too far from love.
I'm enthusiastic about everything that I love.

Goals crush enthusiasm.
I can't get excited about a checklist.
Fantasies on the other hand...
Dreams are exciting as hell.

Less check-listing, more dreaming.

Clean Closure

The word "closure" gets thrown around a lot

at the end of a relationship.

When all is said and done,

everybody wants "closure".

Here's the thing about closure and relationships-

it's messy.

My father is a surgeon

and a great one at that.

Recently, he told me about a simple technique he uses.

After he draws the line to mark his incision,

he draws lines that cross the incision at even marks.

The secondary lines are fondly deemed

"idiot lines".

The "idiot lines" are his way of making sure that when he closes the incision,

the skin lines up the way it was before.
My dad's surgical closures are so clean.

What if there were "idiot lines" for romantic relationships?

The closest thing I can think of is a pre-nuptial agreement.

No one goes into a relationship and lays groundwork for the end, right?

And sure, a pre-nup can make the end a lot simpler in terms of physical assets
but what about the emotional toll?

Clean emotional closure is a dream.

The reality is that the end of a relationship is messy

and no one can sew you back together.
In fact, once you sew yourself back together, 

you're not even remotely close to way you were before.
And the scar may be faint but it will never disappear.

More Than

I found my mind wandering in the shower this morning.
These thoughts were being spurred by the new Shawn Mendes album,
which I am obsessed with and play in it's entirety fairly regularly.
"Why did I stay? And why the hell did I keep coming back?"
Why did I stay when I knew there were still problems
in spite of all my time and energy
and (what I believed to be) love?
I stayed because with you,
I felt like more than I was.
More than the sum of my (good and bad) choices.
I stayed because you brought out joy.
Joy that I was missing since the city.
I stayed because it was easy.
I was silly and ridiculous and natural
and you'd be laughing the morning away with me.
I stayed because I learned to love you more than I loved myself.
Do you know what I mean?
Did you feel that too?
Is that why you pushed away?
Is that why I didn't want to see the full picture?
I stayed because I want to love?
I want to love.
More than anything.

Slow Down

I've always had trouble slowing down.
I think it's because I'm afraid of not having enough time.

I've been hearing a lot about this "culture of scarcity".

Time is a non-renewable resources.
You can't recycle or reuse it.
Once it's gone, it's gone.
Attention is the same.
For most of my life, I have operated under this idea that multi-tasking was my ticket to success.
If I could do a lot of things really well, then I'd be successful.
So, I did a lot of things and depending who you ask, I did them well.
And where did it get me?

I burnt out.
I threw myself out of balance.
I was moving too fast and
I crashed.

Now what?

I've been sick for the last few days.
I thought I was doing everything necessary to get better.
But in reality-
I was continuing to operate the same way I normally do.
I went out socially.
I tell myself tequila cures colds.
I went to the gym.
I thought it would be good to sweat it out.

I woke up this morning and couldn't breathe out of my nose,
which I took as a sign that I really needed to try something different.
So, I've decided that today I am going to slow it down.
Not sure how that's going to look.
I can guarantee that I will be bored.
I will feel like I should be doing something "productive".
But I'm going to force myself to be uncomfortably slow
and uncomfortably "unproductive".

And I'm realizing that when people tell me to slow down it's not a bad thing.
When I'm blazing through life, I miss things.
I miss the details, the simple joys, the small clues.
I don't know what's coming next in my life
but I know I need to slow down to move forward.
All the runners/bussers at my restaurants used to tell me
"Soave, chiquita".
There is more wisdom in that than I realized.

Champagne > Emotions

I love weddings.
I love love.
Weddings are fleeting.
Love is forever.
What happens when it's over?
What happens when it's over?
The afterparty.
The aftermath.
Worth the hangover?
Worth the heartache?
Champagne problems are a simple.
Emotional problems are complicated.

Tough Pills to Swallow

• Money doesn't fix everything.
• The Serenity Prayer
• "I haven't been trying for a while."
• "No."
• "You are not for everyone."
• Nostalgia
• Break-ups
• Dreams fade
• Taxes
• The end of an "era"
• Leaving an old home
• Leaving an old life
• I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.
• My parents don't know it all.
• I am going to have to answer some things for myself.
• I cannot do it all.
• It's ok to ask for help.
• It's ok to accept help even if you didn't ask for it.
• Mom was right- vegetables are really good for you.

Love Was

Love was a lazy morning after a busy night,
swapping stories over $1 pizza and gelato,
Clos Rougeard before coffee.

Love was going to see every Pixar movie in theaters,
letting you win the round of mini golf,
forcing me to bowl without bumpers on my 24th birthday.

Love was COS Cerasuolo in plastic cups and burgers on the terrace,
pregaming dinner with champagne and a cheese plate,
taking dessert to-go a la John Legend and Chrissy Teigen.

Love was Federal Donuts' fried chicken for breakfast two days in a row,
buying all the Savart in that wine shop in Portland,
and somehow hiding it from me so every bottle was a surprise.

Love was leaving the island for pizza in the middle of the day,
holding me close even in an empty train car,
chases up the escalator.

Love was a surprise passing on the street,
throwing a bridge over people we passed when we held hands,
the profane term of endearment we adopted.

Love was in the drunk dials,
and the fights,
and the tears,
and the make-ups,
and the break-ups.

Love was there, right?
In the little things?
Even at the end?
Even now.
Somehow the little things are the hardest to let go.

A Statement of Beliefs

I believe in change
and that it's the only guarantee in life.

I believe everyone has something to say
and anyone can be a writer.

I believe that parents are doing the best they can
and there is no single right way to raise a child.

I believe in intuition
and listening your gut.

I believe in pushing the reset button
and taking steps backward to move forward.

I believe in anxiety
and no one is immune from it.

I believe in an occasional indulgence
as long as you're not hurting anybody.

I believe in celebrating small victories
and no celebration is complete without champagne.

I believe in travel
and unlimited vacation days.

I believe in love
and that it makes the mess of life worthwhile.

I believe genuine laughter is infectious
and the world needs more of it.

I believe dancing is the best medicine
and you can never overdose.

I believe in dessert
and you can even have it before dinner.

Trying

I am upset with you.
I am hopeful for you.
Aren't we on the same team?
Don't we want the same thing?
I am trying.
Are you trying?
Nothing worthwhile comes easy.
Everything worthwhile brings joy.

Happiness

Why is happiness so hard?
Why do I put so much pressure on happiness?
On discovering happiness?
On attaining happiness?
On cultivating happiness?
On being happy alone?

What if happiness was my natural state?
Wasn't it like that when I was a kid?
What happened?
Life?
Life has a way of killing us, doesn't it?
How many times have I been told, "You're killing me."?

Why am I ever anything but happy?
Because without pain or suffering or discomfort,
there can be no joy or bliss or happiness, right?
Is it even humanely possible to be happy all the time?
Remember learning Newton's laws of motion?
Law #3: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
So if there's any truth to that,
which I believe there to be,
good times ahead.

Patience would be a handy virtue right about now.
Anybody have any to spare? 

Brave

There are some things that are unquestionably wrong, right?
Or is everything up to interpretation?

Growing up, I went to a tiny Catholic school.
I may not remember everything they tried to teach me 
but I do remember the Golden Rule.
"Do unto others as you would have them to do unto you."
Apparently there is also a Silver Rule that states,
"Do nothing to others you would not have done to you."
Same concept just framed with negations.
So how do I proceed when someone I love
breaks the rules?

I'm learning that I cannot "fix" people.
It's not my job to tell them what to do
or how to be.
But shouldn't I make them aware of what they inspire?
If people are aware, it gives them the opportunity to change.
If people aren't aware, how can they possibly be expected to change?

"They may forget what you said-
but they will never forget how you made them feel."
- Carl W. Buehner

What if I just forgive and forget?
What if I avoid a painful conversation?
Does that make me a lesser person
because I would rather avoid confrontation?

"Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave."
- Indira Ghandi

I never loved my first name as a kid.
I remember getting a small, pretty ceramic plaque as a gift- 
I want to say it was from my godmother-
and it had my name on it along with what my name meant.
According to this plaque, 
Kelsey means Brave.

Pressure

I have trouble remembering a day where I didn't feel some kind of pressure.
Pressure to be "pretty".
Pressure to be "natural".
Pressure to be "right".
Pressure to be "polite".
Pressure to be "on".
Pressure to be "real".
Pressure to be "humble".
Pressure to be "confident".
Pressure to be "a go-getter".
Pressure to be "less overwhelming".
Where did all this pressure come from?
My parents?
My teachers?
My friends?
My love interests?
Advertising?
Fear?
Shame?
Myself?
The answer is something in there.
Depends on the day.
Is there a way out from under it?
Around it?
When did pressure become such a bad thing?
Doesn't pressure make diamonds?
I am slightly disenchanted with 
the social value/meaning of diamonds.
To be determined.

Bids for My Heart

I seem to have developed a habit.
It appears that when I return from any sort of trip
I am a little bit in love with wherever I just left.
The places I visit seem to hold on to a little piece of my heart.
Most recently, I was flying back to Ohio
after spending a glorious couple of days alone in San Diego
and I found myself sitting at an airport wine bar
reading about post-vacation blues.
I was bummed about coming home.
What is it about a destination that is so romantic as opposed to my home?

Well, home is familiar
and there is that saying
"familiarity breeds contempt".
Destinations are foreign
and there should be a saying
"novelty breeds love".
and it's all exciting.
So, it makes sense that
I get swept up by the romance of these new places.
What is it about romance that is so alluring as opposed to my reality?

But it's also interesting returning from places
I used to call home because
they are familiar to some degree.
Those places seem to hold on to pieces of my heart too.
When I lived in Florida,
I couldn't wait to get out.
Now that I live outside of Florida,
I can't wait to get back.
What is it about nostalgia that is so beguiling as opposed to the present?

In thinking about where I want to make my home,
I get overwhelmed.
I hear "home is where the heart is"
but there are some strong bids vying for my heart
and all of them already have pieces of it in their hands.
What is it about me that is so indecisive as opposed to sure?

Do I just fall in love too easily?
Will I ever be able to "settle down"?
Too big of questions to tackle before a second cup of coffee.
Hold please.

Arachnid Crisis

I'm really trying to be at peace with myself and the world around me.
Kumbaya.
It seems to be going well today until
I spot a larger spider crawling along the wall of my room.
Crisis.
I hate spiders.
I know we swallow 7 a year in our sleep 
but that annoyingly disturbing information doesn't help anyone.
I know I am going to have to deal with this creature somehow.
So, I take one of several notebooks I have lying around
and smash the shit out of it.
All without smearing it into the carpet, mind you.
Then I go upstairs to eat pizza.
My plan is to return to the scene of the crime
and dispose of the evidence somehow.
Usually I take 3-4 tissues, 
pick up the dead thing,
wince as I hold the mass of tissues as far away from my body as possible 
and throw it into the toilet as quickly as possible.
I'm SUCH A GIRL, I KNOW.
Well, I get back to my room and the spider is gone.
WHAT. THE FUCK.
This is the worst thing that could've happened
because that means there is an arachnid on the lose somewhere in my bedroom.
I have a hard enough time sleeping as it is.
First thing I decide to do is swear up a storm,
followed by a solid 45 seconds of wining.
Then I throw a very brief temper tantrum
and half-heartedly beg my dad to come downstairs to help me.
Spoiler alert: he did not come to my resuce.
When it appears I have no other choice,
I decide to man up a la that amazing song from BOOK OF MORMON.
"I'm gonna man up all over myself!"
Hilarious and brilliant.
I figure this stupid spider couldn't have actually gotten that far
because I do believe I at least managed to maim it earlier.
My deductive reasoning leads me to the conclusion that it had crawled behind my very heavy desk.
I never realized the extent of my own determination until I was confronted by this stupid spider.
I single-handedly move this piece of furniture and
there it is.
I'm not really in the mood to smash it anywhere
so I scramble to find a dustbuster
and I suck it away.
If only all of my problems were so easily remedied.

Overwhelming

My parents and I were driving home from the airport this past Saturday.

They were picking me up after another lovely trip to my lovely hometown. 

It was 80 degrees and sunny when I got on the plane.

It was 30 degrees and dreary when I got off the plane.

So we're driving along and they inform me that
we are having two med students over for dinner.

Here's the thing- 
I don't sleep when I'm in Florida.

I was exhausted and the prospect of entertaining

I knew it wasn't up for discussion because I am living in their house

where they call the shots.

So I decide to employ some positive thinking 

and after gathering more information about our dinner guests I remark,

"Oh, I'm excited to meet these med students."

My father's immediate response-

"Please don't scare them."

I burst out laughing.

My dad thinks I'm overwhelming.

So overwhelming in fact

that I might scare off two grown-ass men

who are in pursuit of medical degrees.

This should be fun.

Dinner was great.
My mom is a fantastic cook.
I seemed to have missed that set of skills somehow.
I held my own over the course of conversation
but immediately became an absolute non-threat when we hit the pool table.
I am so bad at shooting pool.
Shooting pool and bowling are serious weaknesses of mine.

But the earlier exchange with my dad got me thinking.

Am I overwhelming?

What is overwhelming?

Is there some standard to measure people against as under/over/just plain whelming?
No.

It's entirely subjective.

You think I'm overwhelming?

That's fine.

It's not a good or a bad thing.
And it's not a permanent thing.
It is what it is.
Take it or leave it.
Or change it.
We choose our own adventure,
wouldn't you agree?

Driving

I enjoy being a driver. 

I enjoy being a passenger.

I love the solitude.

I love the company.

I'm happy arriving alone. 

I'm happy traveling together.

Friends v Lovers

Slow is sustainable.
Fast is fleeting.
Friends are treasures.
Lovers are disposable.
Admit it.
Deny it.

Polarizing Items

1. "You are enough."

• Love the sense of empowerment. 
• Hate that it leaves me alone. 
• Also- enough is weirdly finite and I'm not explaining it properly right now.

2. "It takes a village."

• Love the community. 
• I understand that people want to connect and I love certain people.
• Hate the meteorological forecast in my current village. 
• Sandusky is the current village and the weather makes me miserable.

3. Love

• Love being/falling in love. 
• Hate the aftermath of love gone wrong.
• But that's part of the deal right? You don't get true love without opening yourself up to potential heartbreak. Annoying.

4. Driving

• Love being in the car alone. 
• I do some of my best singing/dancing in the car. I would love to make an appearance on "Carpool Karaoke" but alas, no one is interested in watching me when they can have whoever has appeared on that show recently.
• Hate parking.
• I have never been good at parking and parallel you can just forget about. 

5. Living at home

• Love my parents. 
• Hate living with my parents as a 25 year old trying to be an adult.
• Self-explanatory.

Thanks for That

Thanks for the memories.
Thanks for the inspiration.
I pull them up when I write.
I turn it up when I write.
They're good inspiration.
They're ugly memories.

Eat, Pray, Love?

I was recently asked if I could have my Julia Roberts Eat, Pray, Love moment where would I go?

It was hard for me to answer.
I was also sitting by the ocean having breakfast on a perfect spring day.
I was overwhelmed.
The world is so vast, how can you possibly answer a question like that on the spot?
I thought about it since and here's what I came up with.

1. Eat my way through San Sebastian.
I love the flavors of Spanish cuisine and tapas are just the right size for a small adult like me. For what it's worth, San Sebastian also has the most Michelin stars per capita outside of Japan and since I'm not a sushi connoisseur, Spain takes the cake. At one point, I had a trip planned and San Sebastian was on the itinerary but alas, life got in the way. Going back on my own terms feels like the right move.
2. Pray my way to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro.
Mandy Moore recently climbed Kilimanjaro and I admire her based on the little I see from her social media/various acting roles/interviews. I realize this doesn't sound like a legitimate reason to most people so I'll also add that my Oma, who is a living embodiment of wanderlust, set off to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro but had to turn around right before she reached the summit. Altitude sickness got the best of her and the worst part was she had medicine with her to prevent it. But she is weird about taking pills. So, making it to the top of that mountain feels like I would be finishing what she started.
3. Fall in love with Positano.
I recently decided and have been telling anyone who would listen that I was Italian in a previous life. Positano is by the ocean and as anyone who knows me also knows, I love the ocean/I am Moana. 

So there you have my answer to an excellent question.

Paris

They call it the cosmopolitan capital of France,
My life has been cosmopolitan.
one of the most beautiful and romantic cities in Europe,
Beauty and romance can be found in any city.
the city of light,
Most cities have light.
the capital of fashion.
Fashion is fleeting.
I love the idea of Paris.
Whose idea of Paris?
Paris in the rain, right?
The rain here is my favorite rain.
I need to see Paris.
I want to see Paris.

Life is Funny

I can't stop laughing.
I spent all day convincing myself of something
and then life threw a curveball.
Food poisoning.
What are the odds?
Does laughing at the situation make me a bad person?
I'm sorry our dinner plans fell through 
in such an unexpected manner
and I would never wish illness on anyone.
Sure, part of me is disappointed 
because I was excited
even though I did my best not to be.
They say the name of the game is rolling with the punches
but I think "they" forgot to include the part where
you have to seek out the humor.
Otherwise- you're just getting punched in the face all the time.
I loved him because he made me laugh,
which is more than I can say for other tortured souls I've dated.
Humor is subjective.
People change.
In the end, I guess I got 
metaphorically punched in the face
a few too many times.
It wasn't funny anymore.
I am 100% certain of few things
but I know life is funny.
And I want a life full of laughter.

P.S. I'm over anyone who says my laugh is too loud.

Young and Dumb

We were so young the last time we did this.
It wasn't a date then.
For obvious reasons.

And it's not a date now.
So why was I/am I nervous?
Young and dumb is the saying, no?
Well here's the thing-
we are smart.
We've always been smart.

We were young.
We're different now.
Now we're old(er).
And wise(er)?
I hope so.
I have to keep telling myself that.
I don't want to make the same mistake again.

I never liked the idea of getting old.
I don't feel old.
Until my knee starts revolting agains me as I run.
I run a half marathon on Earth Day
in one of the most beautiful places in the continental U.S.
Or at least that's what I've been told.
If I got an amazing trip out of every half marathon I run,
I'd run more.

I never liked running before
but now it feels necessary
and running through my childhood home
is like therapy in a way.
These trips home are a trap in some ways.
It's so easy to fall in love with this place.
Life here is warm and sunny and happy.
My other life was cold and gray and dreary.
The other life never felt like home.

New York is frantic.
Stuart is leisurely.
New York is massive.
Stuart is tiny.
I always liked driving fast though.
Maybe it's the thrill of getting caught.
There's something to be said for that, no?
The rush.
Apparently, "that rush" releases so much dopamine 
that your limbic system hijacks your moral senses
but the crash is the worst.
Thank God I never crashed a car
but I do have multiple points on my license.
Points = mistakes. I'm learning that slow doesn't always mean bad.
Friends doesn't mean you can't care about someone.
Leaving the city you always dreamed of doesn't mean you failed.
Not knowing what you want is ok.
I'm figuring it out.
It's not a date.
And we are not young and dumb.

British is Better?

I had a blast with a bunch of Brits last night.
They were all perfectly charming.
The accents,
the education,
the foreign idioms,
the amount of laughter,
the stories of traveling the world,
the relentless witty banter,
the uninhibited enthusiasm on the dance floor.
They are lovely people.
And I always thought Brits were boring...
Boy, was I wrong.
And now I'm falling down the British contemporary pop rabbit hole.
It's a fun place to be, 
I must say.

My Natural Habitat

When I was growing up in Stuart, Florida,
I 100% took it for granted.

I took it for granted that 
I could skip AP Calculus
and drive to the beach.

I took it for granted that
I got a world class education
both academically and artistically.

I took it for granted that
fresh seafood here
is the freshest money can buy.

I took it for granted that 
the beach was in my backyard
and seasonal depression was nonexistent.

I took it for granted that
Publix is the best grocery store.
and their egg salad is my favorite.

I took it for granted that
25 cents got me the most indulgent, 
delicious garlic knot.

I took it for granted that
even when it rains, 
the grey doesn't linger.

I took it for granted that
I could play outside
every day of the year.

I took it for granted that
driving with the windows down
and blasting good music is therapeutic.

I took it for granted that
the people I met here
are the truest friends I have.

I took it for granted that
this small sleepy town
gave me everything I needed.

It's my natural habitat
and every time I come back,
it gets harder to leave.

Rich

I don't want a rich life.
I want a life that is rich.
I was different then.
I am changing now.

Expectations

Expectations create reality.
Expectations create disappointment.
Let it be.
Let it go.

Listen to Audra

I saw Audra McDonald perform
at Hill Auditorium in Ann Arbor.

I was a heartbroken sophomore
and she was (is) a Tony Award-winning superhero.

The things I remember most vividly are
her ardent love of Chipotle (this was before E. coli outbreaks)
and one simple phrase-
"turn the page".

Those three words hit me so hard
they became the title of my Facebook photo album for that semester.

And now, here I am, 7 years later,
still thinking about those three words.

Turn the page.
Block the number.
Delete the thread.
Erase the voicemails.
Ignore the calls.
End the conversation.
Unfollow the account.
Unfriend the user.
Make new playlists.
Scrap the cards.
Toss the pictures.
Drink the wine.
Donate the clothes.
Buy new sheets.
Cut your hair.
Lose the weight.
Get a tattoo.
Splurge on jeans.
Run the race.
Close the door.
Change the lock.
Quit your job.
Leave the city.
Remove the option.
Eliminate the temptation.
Find the distractions.
Stop looking back.
Shift the focus.
Focus on yourself.
Take a break.
Book the flight.
Learn something new.
Keep on writing.
Read the books.
Play the piano.
Embrace the change.
Dream new dreams.
Three little words.
I want more.
Turn the goddamn page, Kels.

Hey, it's ok.

Hey you.
I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening
when you tried to tell me,
in the best way you knew how,
I needed a life of my own.

I willingly threw a lot of energy into a life with you
and I thought it was working.
Because from what I chose to see,
we were happy.
For the most part.

I felt like we had something special.
Something that people around us didn't understand.
Because from what I chose to believe,
we were worth it.
For the most part.

But what about those other few parts?
The parts that I knew were missing.
The parts that pushed us apart.

You said over and over again,
"We need to have our own lives."
All I heard was,
"I don't want a life with you."
Hindsight is funny.
We don't get it until
whatever we're looking at
is behind us,
right?
I'm hearing it differently now.

So now that time has passed,
I know we did the best we could.
We loved each other the best way we knew how.

We're getting "better".
Evolving.
Leveling up.
Taking care of ourselves.
Changing.
Whatever you want to call it.

I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.
For that- I can't possibly be mad at you.
In fact for that- I will always love you.
It's a different sort of love than we used to have.
I think my love for you will always be there.
It's just changing.
And that's ok.

There are days where it's hard for me.
It's ok.

There are days where I want so badly to reach out,
to get a little taste of our old romance.
And sometimes I do.
It's ok.

It's hard but it gets easier.
I've done this before.
Love is fucking hard.
I don't like the idea of letting love go
but I can let it change.
It's ok.

I want you to have
the most brilliant life.
I want you to have
everything you ever dreamed of.
I want you to find someone
who you can't live without.
You will.
And so will I.

That's what I tell myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is
it's ok.
I'm ok.

All my love,
Kels

Selfish

I don't write for you.
I write because of you.
You did what was best for you.
You said it was best for me.
You pushed me away.
I am writing you away.
It's easy for you to be selfish?
It's hard for me to be selfish.

Hearts

As human beings,
As emotional beings,
our hearts have a limited capacity.
our hearts have an unlimited capacity.
Some push their bodies-
Some limit their hearts-
Olympians.
cynics.
I'm no Olympian.
I'm a romantic.

My Worst Enemy

Nostalgia is the devil.
It's unreliable.
It's personal.
It makes me homesick.
It's looking back.
It's my worst enemy.

Because I want to move forward now.

Questions

I ask if I want to know.
I ask if I think I know.
Asking is easy.
Answering is not.
I like talking to you.
I like listening to you.

Parents

I am in awe of parents.
I  am confused by parents.
Parents are superheroes.
Parents are masochists.
Children are a gift.
Children are a burden.
Parents are teachers.
Parents are also students.

I will spend the rest of my life trying to help my parents understand how grateful I am for them.
Thank you, Mom and Dad, for existing.
For finding each other.
For raising me the way you did.
Thank you.
I need better words and until I figure it out, all I can say is thank you.
Oh, how about this?


I love you.

Running

What am I running toward?
What am I running from?
Exhilaration.
Stagnation.
The chase is delightful.
Stillness is a struggle.

Lean Out

Excuses-

Emotions-

the more you say,

the more you hear,

the further I lean out.

the further you lean out.

Differences

You need time.

I need time.

It was too soon.

It was too late.

You tried to be honest.

I tried to be brave.

On Sabbatical

Last week, I flew to Ohio for what I thought was going to be a short visit/tune-up. My quick trip turned into an extended stay and that extended stay is starting to sound like a sabbatical to me.

So, what am I going to do with this time that has been given to me away from the hustle and bustle of New York City?? 

GREAT QUESTION.

• Continue training for my half marathon. My younger brother ran a half marathon a few years ago and came in around 1 hr 45 mins (rude). I was aiming for under 2 hrs but now my dreams have changed (I'm competitive). Training is essential but I don't like running outside when it's below freezing and I get bored on the treadmill. I have 31 days and I'm going to be fine.
• Help my parents. There is a reason why most "adults" do not want to ever live at home again. My parents and I have always had a great relationship but as we all get older (I'm never getting "old"), it has changed and coming back to live with them has presented a set of new challenges. For example, the old challenge was getting me to eat breakfast before going to school. The new challenge is recognizing that they cannot make me eat breakfast even if they think it's what is best for me.
• Focus on myself. What the hell does that mean? I'm not exactly sure. I think it means spending some time alone. Maybe I take up meditation again? God knows that was not happening for me in New York; something about trying to find peace/stillness in a city that is constantly in motion was really difficult but that's just me.
• Practice. It is so nice to come home and sit down at the piano. It is also incredibly annoying because all the pieces that I used to fly through, I suddenly have to think about. However, there are pockets of certain pieces that I especially loved that come back like no time has passed at all. I want to keep plugging away at the guitar and my ukulele is still in New York but will be joining the party shortly.
• Write. A handful of people, who I trust (not exactly sure why), have encouraged me/told me/challenged me to continue writing. So that's what this is- a response to a stimulus. Not sure what my writing will turn into and I don't care right now. I just need to write. 
• Read. I have a (very rapidly growing) list including: The Husband's Secret by Liane Moriarty, How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett, and It Takes A Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us by HRC (I did not finish What Happened and I am always the person who finishes what I start). I love reading and thank goodness for my mother's library card because I read fast and books are expensive. 
• Listen. 
• Get a job? This will be a challenge seeing as how I have a significant amount of travel lined up in the coming months. If I were an employer, I would hire someone else. So getting a "real job" is sort of out of the question. However, I was out the other night (with my parents because I have no friends in Sandusky yet) and there may be some opportunity to help out with a catering company that is just getting started. Honestly, working a few catering gigs in middle America sounds a lot sweeter than a waitressing in downtown Manhattan. 
• Travel. I fly to Florida in just over 2 weeks to be at the wedding of one of my oldest friends. How amazing is that? It certainly beats this fake spring happening in Sandusky at the moment. Also, weddings are fascinating and thought-provoking. Remind me to write on my experience post nuptial.
• Cook. Ok, let's not get too ahead of ourselves. 
• Slow down. I hate this phrase. I put it in the same vein as "one day at a time". I'm supposed to embrace the present. Be "mindful". Growing up, I never thought about mindfulness. It's a word that I only recently became aware of and it's really rocking my boat. I always want to think about what's next. Why is it so hard for me to enjoy what's in front of me? Is this why people go on sabbatical? Will I be able to reach a new level of mindfulness? First of all, I'm not even sure how you can measure mindfulness. Maybe it's one of things that "we'll never know"? I'm curious.
• Unplug a bit. I found myself getting really caught up in social media/email/technology while I was in New York. It was starting to feel like I was being bombarded by a lot images/messages and it was overwhelming. I took time to clean out my email- that was a huge undertaking considering I've had the same email address since high school. I'm still using my smartphone and I'm still on social media but I'm trying to be more "mindful" of the time I spend attached to the screen. There's that word. Can we call that progress? 

I am learning to love being on sabbatical. It's a slow process because it's not what I thought I wanted but it turns out, it is exactly what I need. 

Ring Off

Growing up, I always thought that
if a boy loves you, he buys you things.
I thought if he really loves you, he buys you a ring.
And one day, some poor unfortunate soul will love you so much
that he will buy you a big, beautiful diamond.
Whose idea was this originally?
De Beers.
Some genius marketing team in the 1930s came up with that slogan,
"A diamond is forever"
and it worked brilliantly.
In the 10+ years I've been dating,
I've had two rings bought for me.
They were beautiful and I loved them.

But both of them broke.

How much more of a sign do you need, Kels?

P.S. "Ring Off" is a Beyoncé song that inspired this rant.

Catching a Sunrise

I woke up and caught the sunrise this morning.

The blinds in the bedroom I'm sleeping in were closed.
So I got out of bed to open them
and then crawled back under the covers 
where it was warm.
It was lovely while it lasted.

When is the last time I caught a sunrise?

The idea dawned on me somewhere in the midst of romance.
So we got in the car  
and drove down to the beach 
where it was actually a little chilly.
It was lovely while it lasted.

P.S. I don't love the word "lovely".

A Love Letter

Dear New York,

You were all I thought I ever wanted.
But now I don't know what I want.

So where does this leave us?

When I look back on the time we've shared,
I see a life that no longer satisfies me.
Please know that I wouldn't want to change anything about our time together.
I learned a lot from you.
I would argue that the greatest lesson I learned is that you are not for everyone.

So where does this leave us?

A lot of shit has gone down the last few months.
I was starting to feel like I wanted something else.
But like in any relationship where every day is a fight just to get by,
the longer I stayed in this relationship,
the more I lost sight of what it is that I want.
I was not okay and I'm not sure you are what I need right now.

So where does this leave us?

You learn about different kinds of bias in psychology.
It's hard for me to look back because hindsight is 20/20.
It's hard for me to see my own faults/mistakes because I always do the best I can.
How can we blame or get mad at anyone for that?

So where does all this leave us?

Well, I am leaving you. For now.
I need time and space.
How much?
I don't know.
But I do know that I have to give myself a chance.
A chance to figure myself out- away from you.

You will always be there for me.
You were always there for me and the 8.5 million other people
that you're in a relationship with at any given moment.
We loved each other the best way we knew how.

New York,
you ugly, smelly, gritty, dirty, beautiful, decadent, vibrant, rude city,
I am out of words for you.

"If you love something, let it go. If it was meant to be, it will come back to you."
- Cecelia Ahern, author 

Ciao,
Kelsey

For Mom

I want more of this.
I want less of that.
There are things I don't know yet.
There are things I haven't written yet.
My mom says, "You know what you need to do."
I am hearing it differently now. 
She also says, "Slow down."
I say, "Keep up."
Thank you.
I love you.

What Do You Want?

I can be overwhelming. 
I can be challenging.
I can be a lot.
I can be more. 
I am endlessly fascinated.
I am endlessly distracted.
New information inspires me.
Old information does not. 
Science is easy.
Language is challenging.
Calculus was easy.
Writing is hard. 
My dad says, "If it was easy, everybody would do it."
I say, "If it was easy, I wouldn't even be interested."
Figure it out, Kels.
What do you want?

Pretty Normal

Last night I went out to dinner with an old friend. I was very much looking forward to it because we were going to a place that I had never been before and one of my favorite old coworkers would be taking care of us so I was already set up for success.

Everything was fantastic.
Great food.
Great wine.
Great service.
Great company.

But the most fascinating experience was an exchange I had with the table of men that were sitting behind us. Here's my account of what happened.

My friend went to the bathroom and left me solo.
I like being alone.
I am good at being alone.
Maybe I should be alone for a bit.
These men behind me saw a young, attractive woman sitting alone
and it must've really been interesting to them because I could feel them staring at me.

I turned around in my seat, looked right at them and raised my glass.
Cheers, guys.
I see you.

That was all it took to open the door.
I asked them what they were drinking.
They asked me where I was from because that was important and
once it became clear that I wasn't going to tell them, 
they were obsessed with trying to guess my ethnicity.

I love this ridiculous game and I have gotten really good at it.
Because if you don't know, you will have a very hard time guessing.

It's one of my favorite games to play.
Because I get to make the rules.
I tell my tables at work that I will pick up their entire check if they can guess.
They love the challenge.
It also infuriates people when they keep guessing wrong.
They also are not satisfied when I tell them I'm from Florida.
"But where are you really from?"
I told you, "I'm from Florida."
Why aren't you satisfied?
Because you asked the wrong question?
That's on you.

So I lay out the rules.
The prize will be a bottle of wine.
They get 10 guesses to figure out my ethnicity.
Because that's what you really want to know right?
What makes me look the way I do?
Someone at their table agrees.
My date is still in the bathroom while this is going down.
I am a lone agent.
A lone.
Alone.
See what I did there?

Now the game is afoot.
Persian.
Portuguese.
Chinese.
Lebanese.
Turkish.
Greek.
Italian. 
I already told you I wasn't Italian, are you listening?
Although I am certain that I was Italian in a previous life.

They are having trouble as I expect.
This goes on much longer than it needs to.
They're just guessing randomly now.
But it's fun to challenge people.
I live to challenge people.

They ask me to give them a hint.
Why would I help you?
Is it in my best interest to help you?
No.
In fact, I want you to lose.
I want a bottle of wine.

The game escalates and one of the men says I can pick any bottle I want if I tell them.
You will regret saying that.

By the time my date returns, I am done playing.
I don't even care about the bottle of wine anymore.
Because you see, I bought my own bottle of wine.
And it was really good.
I didn't actually need another.
I gave them plenty of chances.
They lost.

I inform them that the game is over and I ask to see the wine list.
They want more time.
They want me to help them.
They want to win.

I remind them that they lost and based on what we agreed to earlier, my next bottle is on them.
You said it, not me.
You told me I could pick any bottle I want.
Oh, you didn't really mean it?
That's funny.
Why would you ever agree to something that you don't want to do?
I would never make a bet if I wasn't ready to settle up.

One of the men seemed the most invested in puzzling me together.
So I called him over and I told him.

To say he was humbled/fascinated/intrigued feels like an understatement.
He was so impressed that he said I could order whatever I wanted.
I decided just a round for me and my date with dessert would suffice.
Because that's not as much of a commitment as a bottle?
What would've happened if I let them buy me a bottle?
I would've ended up sharing it with them.
I would've gotten to know them more.
That's not what I wanted.
I got exactly what I wanted.
You think I should've made them buy me the bottle?
Why?

I don't even remember what my prize was because it didn't matter to me.
It was sparkling and delicious, that's all that I remember.
It was everything I wanted in that moment.
I got what I wanted.
Why can't that be my life?
Oh wait, this is my life.

It was a very enlightening conversation and I hope I taught those men something.
Maybe they will realize one day, that it really doesn't matter where someone is from.
What they really were trying say maybe was, "We've never seen anybody like you."
Of course you haven't. 
We've only just met.

They taught me something too.
How exciting.

This is pretty normal for me now.
This is my life.

Here's the Thing

People say,
"Proceed with caution."

I say,
"If I've made up my mind, why wait?
Why wait if I've processed all the information I need to make a decision?
Me and caution are taking a break."

Thinking About Love

I LOVE...
champagne.
puppies.
sunshine.
the ocean.
pizza.
wit.
laughter.
helping people.
figuring out ways to help people.
teaching people.
challenging people.
people.
people who live unapologetically.
a lot of different things and I change my mind a lot.
Is that a problem?
How about this?
Let's say I am realizing what was there all along.

Tip Your Servers

In New York City, I feel that 20% should be the baseline for a tip at a restaurant. 

Let me preface this by saying
there will be times where the service provided is worth more than 20%,
and there will also be times where the service provided is not worth 20%.
"But Kelsey, how am I supposed to know how much to tip?"

I'll try to explain.
Let me break down where all this tip money is going.
It looks like a lot of money that I might make off one table, right?
Well listen, Linda, of whatever tip that you leave, I pay out around half of that to assistant servers, bartenders, barbacks, food runners, and sometime even hosts.

Maybe you take for granted the people that fill your water
or run your steaks up a concrete staircase and get it in front of your face while it's still hot.
Maybe you don't notice the people who check your expensive leather briefcases
or who have to build a huge ticket of 8 individually customized martinis.
Maybe you didn't realize someone has to sweep up the food you drop
and the drinks you spill
and someone else polished the glass you accidentally broke
and the silverware you accidentally dropped.
Maybe you don't notice them because
they don't smile at you
or laugh at your crass jokes.
But do you realize you're shorting them when you don't tip appropriately?
Oh, and they might even have kids they're trying to support financially just like you.
When you tip poorly, you cheat my entire team.
I never liked team sports but I love my restaurant teams.

Ok back to where the money goes-
53% of the tip that you leave
goes to my paycheck and
I kiss about a third of that goodbye
because taxes.
So at the end of the day,
the actual money I make
isn't anywhere near the 20% that you may or may not think I deserve.
I want to believe that people who don't tip appropriately just don't know.
So I'm trying to tell you.
Be better tippers.
Maybe the system is flawed?
I'm trying to think of any other profession where
I, the professional, provide and complete services
but the customer, who could be an amateur in my profession,
gets to decide what I will be paid.
I think of that scene in THE DEUCE where
Maggie Gyllenhaal delivers a fantastic monologue
in response to some punk that gives her a hard time because
he can't afford another round on his birthday.

People argue that when they go to a restaurant, I should treat them like a guest-
well, here's the thing,
this is my job.
You have to pay me for my job.
A night out at a restaurant is
where I work
and where you are a customer.
The customers of your law firm pay you and your team
what your time is worth, don't they?
Don't you get to decide what your price is
and don't you have to reach a formal agreement on what you'll be paid
before you go to court?
Well I expect the customers of my restaurant to pay me and my team
what our time is worth.
Except we don't get to decide what the price of our service is
and there's really no formal agreement on what I'll be paid
before you sit in my section.

So now do you understand why
I get pissed off when I know the services my team gave,
the services you happily took,
are worth at least 20%
and you left 15?
Do you get it?

And for goodness sake-
round up if you're paying with a freaking corporate card.
Does it hurt that much to be a little generous with company money?

Tip consciously
or eat dinner at home
or continue to tip poorly
but that makes you a bit of an asshole in my mind.

Romance

Easy to remember.
Hard to let go.
I really miss it.
I really need it.
I hear it's worth it.
I hope it's worth it. 

Like water

I take water for granted.
I take her for granted.
Water is a part of me.
She is a part of me.

Leonardo da Vinci says,

So what I'm saying is,

“Water is the driving force of all nature.” 

"Without her, there is no me."

Alone

Sleeping away from the city,
Sleeping away from you,
I remembered something. 
I discovered something.   
Space is a luxury.
Space is a necessity.
I love sleeping away.
I love sleeping alone.
Time away is good for me.
Time alone is good for me.

Fourth Reason

Come on, what are you doing?
Come on, what are you doing?
Have you even read it yet?
I know you read it already.
I hate that you hate read receipts.
I love that you love read receipts.

A Bathtub

I just think I 
I think I just
fell in love with
fell in love in
a bathtub.
a bathtub.

Hot Water

Honey, why's this water so hot?
Honey, this water is not hot enough.
That's your problem,
That's my problem,
you were too hot.
I like it too hot.