Game Over

It was always a game.

Games are fun.

It was a good match.

They're hard to find.

But I'm tired.

I'm done trying.

I'm done losing.

I don't have the emotional energy

to play anymore.

So game over.

Not a Good Time

It's just not a good time
physically
emotionally
spiritually
financially
politically
for me to be dating.

Things I Don't Need

I haven't seen him.
But I keep thinking about him.
And I think I'm looking for him.
Maybe just a little.
A lot.
Why are the things I search for
things I don't need.
How can I blame you?
Why are the things I want
the things I don't need.
Consumerism.
The patriarchy.
Too much?

A New Commitment

It's amazing.
We're a perfect fit.
It's definitely work.
I think I'm in love.

And it's not a boy.

Choices

I made some choices today.
You sent an email.
You signed papers.
Things are falling into place.
I feel relieved now.
I'm more at ease now.
I don't know if this is right.
I may be wrong and see
a different life for me.

So this is what choices feel like.
This is what making choices feels like.

A Dress

I bought this dress 2 years ago.
Because we were going to dinner.
At his boss' apartment.
Her chef husband was cooking.

I almost got rid of the dress.
Because I lost weight.
And it just kind of hangs there.
I thought I wanted an update.

I wore that dress today.
Because I gained weight.
And it just kind of hangs there.
I got so many compliments
on that damn dress.

Ice Cream

I don't know what I'm doing.
I ate too much ice cream last night.
And cheese and drank beer.
So I ran a very slow 4.4 miles this morning.
I'm trying to get into a groove.
And I've eaten nothing all day
except coffee
and I still feel gross.
What a rip-off.
It was worth it.

I start this job tomorrow.
Because the job I really want is holding out
and I have to start making money.
Now I'm a host.
We'll see how this goes.
I don't know what I'm doing.
"Who does?!"
He says.
He was always really ok with that.
Supporting indecisiveness.