He says he needs to be honest about something.
You see the "..."
and you start imaging what the next message is going to be.
You feel your stomach grip.
You feel your body brace
You feel tears begging to burst.
It's happening.
Emotions.
I don't want these.
Is it about the writing?
Please don't let it be about the writing.
What am I going to do if it's about the writing?
Oh, thank god.
Wait.
You must be joking.
At least it's not the writing.
Oh my god.
Are you kidding me?
Not again.
Why did I let this happen?
Goddammit,
Kelsey.
You would've actually
but you didn't actually
so there's one to blame actually.
You shouldn't have gotten so carried away.
You knew this was going to happen.
You did try to stop yourself.
You were already falling.
You are smarter than that.
Open the message.
Let him know you fucking saw it.
Everyone should have read receipts.
Let him know you took your time to respond.
And Kelsey-
make him wait.
Let him wonder.
I am writing you out
like the one before.
I really hope you see this.
I'm an idiot.
Whoa.
My hands are shaking
Why the fuck can't I catch a break?
I think I'm going to get sick.
That feeling.
Oh fuck.
Oh god.
I WANT TO SCREAM.
Get a grip Kels.
Be efficient.
Protect your heart.
Ok.
*Read at 8:24pm
Fuck you.
I thought this was different.
I felt things that were different.
Are you satisfied?
I am.
You were waiting for my response?
What if I deleted the thread?
Is that a big enough 'fuck you'?
But we have the best banter.
GODDAMMIT
!!!!
I HATE THIS
Call a friend.
Jesus Christ.
He's giving you back your own advice.
You thought you were so smart?
Where was it going anyway?
Did your brain completely melt in the sun?
Pain.
It demands to be felt
Get it out.
Look what she did.
He broke her heart.
She changed the world.
Surprised?
He was too.
Nobody saw it coming.
Realizing
there is nothing I can do
But let this go.
It's happening
exactly the way it's supposed to happen.
Let it happen
That feeling.
Goddammit.
Find the words for
that feeling.
Monday, January 8, 2018
Gratitude
Thank you for
another example of
men being assholes
and being the exception.
I will always remember
three dates where
I felt like a kid again
and the bar you set.
I am grateful for
two weeks of
modern romance
and letting me down softly.
I want to say
I'm writing a lot
and I'm still going.
thank you.
another example of
men being assholes
and being the exception.
I will always remember
three dates where
I felt like a kid again
and the bar you set.
I am grateful for
two weeks of
modern romance
and letting me down softly.
I want to say
I'm writing a lot
and I'm still going.
thank you.
Sunday, January 7, 2018
Hey
80 days later.
1:12AM: Hey
I deleted the number.
but I still have it memorized.
I am happy.
I am really happy.
No part of me is trying.
It feels good.
It's happening;
what you said would happen.
Amazing.
You were right.
But of course.
Of course it's now
that you choose to reach out.
Now when I'm finding happiness
without you.
Now that it's late enough in the night
where you will chalk this off as a drunken mistake.
You know what I thought about tonight?
After I read your message?
Remember that time you took me to that thing?
That thing where you introduced me
as a friend.
After two years
of crying,
of fighting,
of trying.
Some might argue that
it was a small thing to get upset about.
But I think
of all the things that you did
that hurt me,
that 'small thing' was
the absolute worst
because it said to me that
you didn't care.
Funny how in time I realized,
I was right.
You know why I thought about that today?
Because I will never let that happen again.
I will never be with someone who doesn't
introduce me properly.
1:12AM (Him): Hey
*Read at 2:58am
*^ I have nothing to say to you at this time.
^Typed at 3:35am
1:12AM: Hey
I deleted the number.
but I still have it memorized.
I am happy.
I am really happy.
No part of me is trying.
It feels good.
It's happening;
what you said would happen.
Amazing.
You were right.
But of course.
Of course it's now
that you choose to reach out.
Now when I'm finding happiness
without you.
Now that it's late enough in the night
where you will chalk this off as a drunken mistake.
You know what I thought about tonight?
After I read your message?
Remember that time you took me to that thing?
That thing where you introduced me
as a friend.
After two years
of crying,
of fighting,
of trying.
Some might argue that
it was a small thing to get upset about.
But I think
of all the things that you did
that hurt me,
that 'small thing' was
the absolute worst
because it said to me that
you didn't care.
Funny how in time I realized,
I was right.
You know why I thought about that today?
Because I will never let that happen again.
I will never be with someone who doesn't
introduce me properly.
1:12AM (Him): Hey
*Read at 2:58am
*^ I have nothing to say to you at this time.
^Typed at 3:35am
Saturday, January 6, 2018
Questions
Bar seats or table?
Will you pull the table out when I slide into the booth?
Sparkling or still?
Is that really important?
What's your idea of a perfect cocktail?
What's your idea of a good tip?
Am I being too aggressive?
Have you ever dated a girl who works in hospitality for a living?
Is that what I tell people I do now?
How do you feel about oysters?
Is he going to try to order a bottle of wine?
Should I let him take the lead?
Or do I assert myself?
What is the price point?
Do you have any food allergies or major aversions?
Wow Kels, can you just chill out?
What temperature do you order your steak?
Is that your idea of chill?
Will he ask what market price is?
Are you fucking serious?
Are you done playing waitress now?
Do you even know how to go out to dinner like a normal citizen anymore?
When someone cooks dinner, do you do the dishes?
Is he cut from the same cloth as my dad?
Why is that so important..?
Do you give up your subway seat if the opportunity presents itself?
Will he think I'm a brat because I am going to take a car home?
Will we be taking one car or two?
Are you a firm believer in recycling?
Do you believe in science?
Thoughts on John Krasinski and Emily Blunt?
Aniston or Jolie?
Celebrity couple compatibility?
Is that even a thing?
Do you like dressing up?
Do you like dressing down?
Do you like not getting dressed at all?
Do you make the bed in the morning?
Would you be happy rolling around in bed with me all day?
What are you preferences in regards to shower water temperature/overall duration?
Do you actually floss your teeth?
Does anybody actually floss their teeth?
What's your favorite dessert?
He always let me order dessert.
Or would you rather drink dessert?
Is he the espresso martini type?
Why am I so judgmental?
How do you feel about reality TV?
How many of your exes made you watch an episode of The Bachelor?
Do you think I'm crazy yet?
Do you enjoy dancing?
Are you a good dancer?
Would we be good dance partners?
Why don't I go dancing more?
Do you talk during the movies?
How much butter do you ask for on your popcorn?
What's the last movie you saw by yourself?
What are you afraid of, Kels?
Will we end up fighting if we play Monopoly?
Are you competitive enough for me?
You wouldn't just let me win, right?
Have you gambled before?
What's the risk here?
What am I doing here?
Will you pull the table out when I slide into the booth?
Sparkling or still?
Is that really important?
What's your idea of a perfect cocktail?
What's your idea of a good tip?
Am I being too aggressive?
Have you ever dated a girl who works in hospitality for a living?
Is that what I tell people I do now?
How do you feel about oysters?
Is he going to try to order a bottle of wine?
Should I let him take the lead?
Or do I assert myself?
What is the price point?
Do you have any food allergies or major aversions?
Wow Kels, can you just chill out?
What temperature do you order your steak?
Is that your idea of chill?
Will he ask what market price is?
Are you fucking serious?
Are you done playing waitress now?
Do you even know how to go out to dinner like a normal citizen anymore?
When someone cooks dinner, do you do the dishes?
Is he cut from the same cloth as my dad?
Why is that so important..?
Do you give up your subway seat if the opportunity presents itself?
Will he think I'm a brat because I am going to take a car home?
Will we be taking one car or two?
Are you a firm believer in recycling?
Do you believe in science?
Thoughts on John Krasinski and Emily Blunt?
Aniston or Jolie?
Celebrity couple compatibility?
Is that even a thing?
Do you like dressing up?
Do you like dressing down?
Do you like not getting dressed at all?
Do you make the bed in the morning?
Would you be happy rolling around in bed with me all day?
What are you preferences in regards to shower water temperature/overall duration?
Do you actually floss your teeth?
Does anybody actually floss their teeth?
What's your favorite dessert?
He always let me order dessert.
Or would you rather drink dessert?
Is he the espresso martini type?
Why am I so judgmental?
How do you feel about reality TV?
How many of your exes made you watch an episode of The Bachelor?
Do you think I'm crazy yet?
Do you enjoy dancing?
Are you a good dancer?
Would we be good dance partners?
Why don't I go dancing more?
Do you talk during the movies?
How much butter do you ask for on your popcorn?
What's the last movie you saw by yourself?
What are you afraid of, Kels?
Will we end up fighting if we play Monopoly?
Are you competitive enough for me?
You wouldn't just let me win, right?
Have you gambled before?
What's the risk here?
What am I doing here?
I Can't Sleep
Why can't you sleep?
I can't stop thinking.
I can't stop thinking
About you.
About me.
About us.
About the night we accidentally
Stayed up all night and
Watched the sun rise while
Listening to the sound of the waves.
About
The talking.
The listening.
The smiling.
The joking.
The drinking.
The testing.
The teasing.
The toying.
The walking.
The tightening.
The softening.
The dancing.
The kissing.
The grazing.
The tingling.
The gazing.
The running.
The catching.
The pulling.
The wrapping.
The driving.
The challenging.
The attempting.
The tempting.
The igniting.
The burning.
The deciding.
The sneaking.
The leading.
The following.
The asking.
The answering.
The exploring.
The guessing.
The allowing.
The discovering.
The giving.
The taking.
The demanding.
The reciprocating.
The begging.
The gratifying.
The pleasing.
The pleasuring.
The whispering.
The gasping.
The resisting.
The releasing.
The crashing.
The rolling.
The rising.
The falling.
The sharing.
The dreaming.
The revealing.
The imagining.
The wondering.
The questioning.
The marveling.
The bewildering.
The pining.
The craving.
The lusting.
The feening.
The missing.
Well.
No wonder you can't sleep.
I can't stop thinking.
I can't stop thinking
About you.
About me.
About us.
About the night we accidentally
Stayed up all night and
Watched the sun rise while
Listening to the sound of the waves.
About
The talking.
The listening.
The smiling.
The joking.
The drinking.
The testing.
The teasing.
The toying.
The walking.
The tightening.
The softening.
The dancing.
The kissing.
The grazing.
The tingling.
The gazing.
The running.
The catching.
The pulling.
The wrapping.
The driving.
The challenging.
The attempting.
The tempting.
The igniting.
The burning.
The deciding.
The sneaking.
The leading.
The following.
The asking.
The answering.
The exploring.
The guessing.
The allowing.
The discovering.
The giving.
The taking.
The demanding.
The reciprocating.
The begging.
The gratifying.
The pleasing.
The pleasuring.
The whispering.
The gasping.
The resisting.
The releasing.
The crashing.
The rolling.
The rising.
The falling.
The sharing.
The dreaming.
The revealing.
The imagining.
The wondering.
The questioning.
The marveling.
The bewildering.
The pining.
The craving.
The lusting.
The feening.
The missing.
Well.
No wonder you can't sleep.
Poetry?
feeling
he liked the
poem you sent him
the poem that
pulled on your heartstrings so hard the first time you read it
but also set it on fire
because it inspired you
to find a man that could make you feel all those things
those things that you struggle to put into words
and this poem made you feel those things
in bright vivid colors
as opposed to
the muted tones
that had become your palette
for the last few years
he liked
that poem
writing
he liked the
poem you sent him
the poem that
pushed you off the cliff so hard the first time you read it
but also jolted you awake from your dream
because it inspired you
to write down your thoughts about all those things
those things that they struggle to put into words
and this poem inspired you to write those things
in bright loud colors
as opposed to
the softer tones
that had become your voice
for the last few years
he liked
that poem
sharing
he liked the
poem you sent him
the poem that
helped you breathe so much easier the first time you read it
but also terrified you
because it begged you
to share what you had written about all those things
those things that all artists struggle to put into words
and this poem begged you to share those things
in bright bold color
as opposed to
the black and white
that had become your life
for the last few years
he liked
that poem
And it's ok if you really like that about him.
he liked the
poem you sent him
the poem that
pulled on your heartstrings so hard the first time you read it
but also set it on fire
because it inspired you
to find a man that could make you feel all those things
those things that you struggle to put into words
and this poem made you feel those things
in bright vivid colors
as opposed to
the muted tones
that had become your palette
for the last few years
he liked
that poem
writing
he liked the
poem you sent him
the poem that
pushed you off the cliff so hard the first time you read it
but also jolted you awake from your dream
because it inspired you
to write down your thoughts about all those things
those things that they struggle to put into words
and this poem inspired you to write those things
in bright loud colors
as opposed to
the softer tones
that had become your voice
for the last few years
he liked
that poem
sharing
he liked the
poem you sent him
the poem that
helped you breathe so much easier the first time you read it
but also terrified you
because it begged you
to share what you had written about all those things
those things that all artists struggle to put into words
and this poem begged you to share those things
in bright bold color
as opposed to
the black and white
that had become your life
for the last few years
he liked
that poem
And it's ok if you really like that about him.
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
A Challenge
ugh write kelsey
stop letting yourself
get distracted
you need to
appear less eager
maybe take
a few minutes
before responding
but i know
you can't help it
because your mind
fires at a million miles an hour
whenever you're talking
to someone who really
challenges you
there it is again
that phrase
that phrase that
has defined
so much
of this relationship
all because you
challenge each other
is that the secret
do you have
a favorite artist
like if someone asks you
what would you say
like
fuck i need to
learn about art
if someone asks me who
my favorite impressionist is
i would definitely be like
umm
remind me who
those guys were
i can’t with
this year
i’m already overwhelmed
bye
over it
in the fault in our stars
they say
falling in love is like falling asleep
slowly and then all at once
well
if that's falling in love
then i'm doing everything in my power
to stay awake
i am kicking
and screaming
and slamming espresso like there's no tomorrow
because i cannot fall asleep
i'm too smart to fall asleep
i hated falling asleep
when i was a little baby
i would kick
and scream
and work myself up into such a fit
that i'd eventually pass out
from sheer exhaustion
i did this
every night
for at least
my first two years of existence
true story
you can ask my dad
stay awake kels
will this be
the real challenge
stop letting yourself
get distracted
you need to
appear less eager
maybe take
a few minutes
before responding
but i know
you can't help it
because your mind
fires at a million miles an hour
whenever you're talking
to someone who really
challenges you
there it is again
that phrase
that phrase that
has defined
so much
of this relationship
all because you
challenge each other
is that the secret
do you have
a favorite artist
like if someone asks you
what would you say
like
fuck i need to
learn about art
if someone asks me who
my favorite impressionist is
i would definitely be like
umm
remind me who
those guys were
i can’t with
this year
i’m already overwhelmed
bye
over it
in the fault in our stars
they say
falling in love is like falling asleep
slowly and then all at once
well
if that's falling in love
then i'm doing everything in my power
to stay awake
i am kicking
and screaming
and slamming espresso like there's no tomorrow
because i cannot fall asleep
i'm too smart to fall asleep
i hated falling asleep
when i was a little baby
i would kick
and scream
and work myself up into such a fit
that i'd eventually pass out
from sheer exhaustion
i did this
every night
for at least
my first two years of existence
true story
you can ask my dad
stay awake kels
will this be
the real challenge
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