Wednesday, May 31, 2017

The Most Romantic Thing

Do I remember that date last November?
We tried to do date night once a week. Working full-time front of house schedules didn't always allow for that. Getting the same night off was like winning the lotto, landing the jackpot. Not every date was special. Most of them were pretty ordinary. But every once in a while, there was one that I will always remember. Those nights felt like pure magic. 
Si, claro. It was right after Thanksgiving. I had spent the holiday with his family and even though I'd met everyone before- it was a big deal.
The wine we brought was from "us" even though he was the one that had picked it out and paid for it. He chose really well. We had Arnot-Roberts Trousseau. I love this bottle and it immediately takes me back to the beginning of us. I had never heard of Trousseau. We were at pre-shift and I remember listening to him describe what was in the glass. He sounded so smart and was so excited. It was perfectly charming and very endearing. I had such a crush. I took a sip, it was delightful. It was unlike anything I'd ever tasted. Delicate yet firm. Whimsical yet structured. It was delicious. Every time I see that bottle in a shop, I buy it. I just bought it yesterday.
I was wearing a beautiful dress. It's one of those dresses that I only pull out for special occasions and it means I'm wearing high heels for the night. 
He loved to tease me about my clothes and I loved to tease him with my clothes- a short skirt, a backless dress, a plunging neckline. Isn't that what great clothes are for?
I took a cab and timed my arrival perfectly. I knew he would already be there and I could make an entrance. 
He was always early. 
When I walked in the hostess immediately recognized me and gestured to the table where he was waiting. 
Mind you, I made a real effort. I pulled out the stops that night- I put on a great dress, I did my hair, I took time to put on makeup, I was wearing heels for goodness sake. But the look on his face when I walked in made it well worth the effort.
Three of us from work all got along and by chance had a night off together so we made a reservation to go to dinner. It was the middle of July and it was hot as hell. I had a million bobby pins in my hair all working to keep my crown braid secure as I navigated the subway stairs in my wedges. I remember exactly what I was wearing and how I was accessorized. We planned to meet at a bar around the corner for drinks beforehand. He was the first one there. I was second so he saw me walk in, and we had a moment in the woods. It was like he was seeing me for the first time. Seeing him see me was a thrill. I wanted him to look at me like that all the time. By the time our friend got there, I'd decided my crush was full-blown and he spent the next few days returning bobby pins/various accessories to me. 
We were seated in a corner booth so there was no chair to pull out but he got up and pulled out the table so I could slide gracefully into the booth. 
Every once in a while, I'm a sucker for some old school chivalry. 
The next few moments are a blur of standard restaurant greetings/banter with coworkers.
"Hi there, so great to have you in. May I start you with sparkling or still?"
"He likes sparkling, I'll take still." 
"You look beautiful." 
"Thank you so much. I'm excited to finally sit down for dinner."
He had brought his parents, his brother, even his roommates before I got a proper sit-down dinner. We came in for champagne and dessert at the bar for my birthday. That was different. We stopped by early in the evening before service really got going. The restaurant was empty. I had dropped in occasionally since then for delicious champagne and dessert but mostly to see him. Tonight was different. For starters, we weren't sitting at the bar.
Before I even have a chance to think about drinks, there's a bottle of Margeut Pere & Fils 'Shaman' Grand Cru Rosé Champagne being presented to me to taste. 
When we were working together, he would save me tastes of different bottles that he sold. We had a spot where we kept glasses lined up. Everyone knew those were his prize tastes and off limits. But not for me. They were little treats for me to enjoy throughout the night. Whenever he sold champagne, he would find me and make sure I got a taste right away. He just knew.
I accept the wine because it's delicious. As the glass is being poured, he notices that it's the last of the bottle. It had already been open for a while. Maybe from the night before?
He simply looks to the server and asks in the most humble way, "Hey, can you open a new bottle?"
He didn't come off annoyed or angry or pretentious to any extent. To me, the real ask was, "Hey man, help me impress this girl. She deserves the best. She's special. Please open a new bottle of champagne."
I thought it was the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

My Stupid Heart

Look at the facts.
Be logical.
Listen to your parents.
Be reasonable.
Stop reaching out.
Be sensible.
It just takes time.
Give yourself time.

Two months into this new arrangement.
I hate it more and more each day.
I think about you every day.
I miss you all the time.
I hate everyone else.
I don't want these feelings.
I don't know what to do with them.
I wish you would take them away.

I wish for Saturday night all over again.
I smile just thinking about it.
That means something.
That has to count for something.
To me, it is everything.

My stupid heart.
It won't quit.
It holds on.
It is killing me.

Quarter Life Crisis

We need to have a talk.
Stop avoiding this.
Deal with it.
Figure it out.

What do you want?

You moved here almost 3 years ago to chase a dream. And along the way you fell in love. You fell in love with a world that you didn't even realize existed and it has completely swept you off your feet.

It's not your fault. The New World is a place of intelligence, hard work, charm, and grit. A world where you get to create experiences and memories that will stay with people. A world where the learning never stops. It challenges you every day. It brings fascinating, inspiring, beautiful people into your life. It's a full sensory experience. It's sensual and alluring and it woke you up somehow. It is not the world you have been planning for.

Can you live in two worlds at the same time?
Can you love them equally?
Can you give all of yourself to both?

Is there even enough of you to go around?

When will you have to decide?
How much longer can you juggle a double life?
What would happen if you made a choice?
What could you accomplish if you threw all your energy into one?

Would you pick the Old World that chews you up and spits you out over and over again? The world that makes you feel like a crazy person. The world that you believed so fiercely that you'd be a part of but doesn't seem to want you.

Or would you pick the New World? The world that you're afraid of fully committing to because what would people say? They'd say you couldn't cut it. You gave up.

But is it giving up?

There are people from the New World who whisper that you are talented. That you could make an impact here. That you have something you can't teach people. That you're really good.

The New World wants you.
Who doesn't want to be wanted?

And then there's him.

I don't know why.
It doesn't make sense.
Everybody says don't.

He is the gateway drug.
He's holding the door open.
He always held doors for me.

Fuck.

Morning After Musings

Where am I?

Do I still have friends?
How did I get home?

Where are my credit cards?

Wow, I took my make up off.
Except there's lipstick all over the pillowcase.

I'm such an asshole.

Coffee or water?
I'm starving.
Did I eat dinner?
Why am I such an idiot?

Where the fuck are my cards??

My roommate is going to kill me.

I don't even want to look at my call history.
Jesus. 
I called 25 times.

Ok, guess I'll just cancel all the credit cards.
Ugh, now I have to memorize a new set of 16 digits plus expiration and security code.

Can I get a new ID online?
I've exceeded the number of times I can apply online.
Seriously?
Fuck.

Wow, my head hurts.
Why is it so bright out.

I hate myself.

Every cab driver in the city hates me too.

Who spent $31.13 at 7-Eleven?

Cards are definitely lost.

Goddammit.

What is this bruise?

Let me respond to these people who asked if I made it home ok.
Ugh, I must've been really out of it.

How did that happen??
I know exactly how it happened.
Beer and tequila.
I'm an idiot.

Seamless is the greatest gift to mankind.

I'm just going to call and apologize.
Straight to voicemail.
Did you block my number?
I guess I'll send an email apology.
Is this stalking?
This is crazy.

DUOLINGO STOP EMAILING ME TO REMIND ME IT'S TIME TO PRACTICE SPANISH.

But maybe I should just move to Spain.

Waking up alone sucks.
Waking up hungover and alone really sucks.

Cue the self-loathing.

At least my hair still looks good.

Fuck me.

I miss you.
All the time.

But especially this time.