Friday, August 14, 2015

Let Me Count The Ways



"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways."

I always thought this was a Shakespeare quote. Is that just me? Turns out it was penned by a woman named Elizabeth Barrett Browning. I'm really glad I decided to become an informed citizen of the world and google the origin of this quote that I use on a regular basis. 

I really don't want to get into the subject of love. That wasn't the intention of this post. My original idea was to make a list of all the ways that I have successfully deflected love; kind of like my own "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" type of thing. I think there's some great potential for humor in this so I'm going to go ahead as I'd planned. So without further ado let me count the ways...

1. I reject all things domestic. My version of cooking is getting everything delivered to my door or paying for the pre-made version at Whole Foods. If I'm getting really ambitious, I'll use the microwave.

2. I don't make time for love. Who has time for that shit? I have a lot of things I need to get done and until someone figures out a way to give me more hours in a day, love/dating/romance takes a backseat to more urgent priorities like writing this blog.

3. I have my read receipts on. Every once in a while I get a random text from an old tinder flame (oh look, that's clever) asking if we're ever going to go out again. First of all, if you don't have an iPhone and therefore can't see my read receipts, I probably didn't go out with you in the first place. Secondly, radio silence generally means I'm not interested. Thirdly, props to you for reaching out and being bold but I let my read receipt do the talking at this point. You'll see I read the message and had nothing to say in response ergo not interested. It's cold, I know, but for all the time I make for true love, I make even less for bad dates.
The Lion King Sarcasm animated GIF

4. I'm aggressively sarcastic especially when flirting. This perplexes about 89% of the male population and the remaining 11% bores me so...things are looking up.

5. I become nauseous when I think about having a "boyfriend". When I was 15 and stupid, I was ecstatic at the prospect of going steady with someone. I put the "<3" next to his name in my phone; it was very serious. But now, in my old age, the thought of calling someone my "boyfriend" makes me want to vomit. I admit that I can be overdramatic but I do not joke around with medical symptoms. I WebMD-ed common causes of nausea and found that psychological illness was among the list. I have since concluded that merely the thought of a "boyfriend" makes me psychologically ill and therefore nauseous. Brilliant and totally legitimate, I know.

6. I have this grand vision of being a 21st century independent woman and a significant other just doesn't really fit into that picture. I also get a small amount of satisfaction telling people I plan on dying alone. Real mature, right?

So, there you have it. 

I think I could give Elizabeth Barrett Browning a run for her money with this one..."How do I avoid thee (thee being love)? Let me count the ways."

No comments:

Post a Comment