Tuesday, May 16, 2017

My Stupid Heart

Look at the facts.
Be logical.
Listen to your parents.
Be reasonable.
Stop reaching out.
Be sensible.
It just takes time.
Give yourself time.

Two months into this new arrangement.
I hate it more and more each day.
I think about you every day.
I miss you all the time.
I hate everyone else.
I don't want these feelings.
I don't know what to do with them.
I wish you would take them away.

I wish for Saturday night all over again.
I smile just thinking about it.
That means something.
That has to count for something.
To me, it is everything.

My stupid heart.
It won't quit.
It holds on.
It is killing me.

Quarter Life Crisis

We need to have a talk.
Stop avoiding this.
Deal with it.
Figure it out.

What do you want?

You moved here almost 3 years ago to chase a dream. And along the way you fell in love. You fell in love with a world that you didn't even realize existed and it has completely swept you off your feet.

It's not your fault. The New World is a place of intelligence, hard work, charm, and grit. A world where you get to create experiences and memories that will stay with people. A world where the learning never stops. It challenges you every day. It brings fascinating, inspiring, beautiful people into your life. It's a full sensory experience. It's sensual and alluring and it woke you up somehow. It is not the world you have been planning for.

Can you live in two worlds at the same time?
Can you love them equally?
Can you give all of yourself to both?

Is there even enough of you to go around?

When will you have to decide?
How much longer can you juggle a double life?
What would happen if you made a choice?
What could you accomplish if you threw all your energy into one?

Would you pick the Old World that chews you up and spits you out over and over again? The world that makes you feel like a crazy person. The world that you believed so fiercely that you'd be a part of but doesn't seem to want you.

Or would you pick the New World? The world that you're afraid of fully committing to because what would people say? They'd say you couldn't cut it. You gave up.

But is it giving up?

There are people from the New World who whisper that you are talented. That you could make an impact here. That you have something you can't teach people. That you're really good.

The New World wants you.
Who doesn't want to be wanted?

And then there's him.

I don't know why.
It doesn't make sense.
Everybody says don't.

He is the gateway drug.
He's holding the door open.
He always held doors for me.


Morning After Musings

Where am I?

Do I still have friends?
How did I get home?

Where are my credit cards?

Wow, I took my make up off.
Except there's lipstick all over the pillowcase.

I'm such an asshole.

Coffee or water?
I'm starving.
Did I eat dinner?
Why am I such an idiot?

Where the fuck are my cards??

My roommate is going to kill me.

I don't even want to look at my call history.
I called 25 times.

Ok, guess I'll just cancel all the credit cards.
Ugh, now I have to memorize a new set of 16 digits plus expiration and security code.

Can I get a new ID online?
I've exceeded the number of times I can apply online.

Wow, my head hurts.
Why is it so bright out.

I hate myself.

Every cab driver in the city hates me too.

Who spent $31.13 at 7-Eleven?

Cards are definitely lost.


What is this bruise?

Let me respond to these people who asked if I made it home ok.
Ugh, I must've been really out of it.

How did that happen??
I know exactly how it happened.
Beer and tequila.
I'm an idiot.

Seamless is the greatest gift to mankind.

I'm just going to call and apologize.
Straight to voicemail.
Did you block my number?
I guess I'll send an email apology.
Is this stalking?
This is crazy.


But maybe I should just move to Spain.

Waking up alone sucks.
Waking up hungover and alone really sucks.

Cue the self-loathing.

At least my hair still looks good.

Fuck me.

I miss you.
All the time.

But especially this time.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

I Can't, I'm Sick

It all started on a Friday night...

This could be the opening line to a story far more interesting than this.

ellen page celebrity gif
I was at work on Friday night when I felt the first symptoms...a little stuffy, a little sore throat, a little achy. I decided to handle it like all my other problems in life- ignore it until it becomes impossible to ignore any longer.

So I go about business as usual except I up my daily dose of Vitamin C by approximately 1000% and take Zicam whenever I can remember, which isn't how it works most effectively in case you were wondering. But usually, that's
enough to kick any cold to the curb! This one, however, was special.

I have been home for the past 48 hours unable to breathe through my nose and counting down the minutes until I can take more pseudoephedrine.

And here's a list of some of my goals/accomplishments/activities.

1. I have only ordered delivery TWICE! Although I would be lying if I said Seamless wasn't open in another tab at this moment. I ordered super spicy ramen while watching the Chef's Table episode on Ivan Ramen. Life imitating my current Netflix series binge. Profound, I know.

2. I watched the entirety of 13 Reasons Why. Didn't cry once. Maybe it's the cold meds? Maybe I don't have a soul? You decide.

3. I made a CVS run and returned with a gallon of orange juice, which is now gone, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's, which is also gone.

4. I am having mixed feelings about Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt but the binge continues...

5. I played all the Broadway lotteries and LOST. It's probably for the best but STILL.

6. I have read all about the Whole 30 and will be so prepared when I finally decide to start but it can't be until I'm feeling at least 98% better so...stay tuned.

7. I have contemplated my life's purpose. Moving to Europe or embarking on an "Eat, Pray, Love"-esque quest were both seriously considered multiple times over.

8. I have done lots of Instagram stalking...surprise! My friends/people I follow have truly fabulous lives. Also, there definitely were a few slip-ups here and there so apologies for any random likes coming from me in the last few days! Oopsie.

Funny GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

9. I have made myself feel incredibly guilty for not being able to exercise and even googled "best exercises to do while sick".

10. I have seriously contemplated buying a bunch of fruit to eat since I can't taste anything anyway. For those of you just joining me in life, fruit is my least favorite food category and I avoid it at all costs unless it's smothered in chocolate and even then, there's no guarantee I'll be fooled.  
11. I'm seriously considering asking Kleenex to sponsor me/hire me as their spokesperson since I seem doomed to be perpetually stuffy/chained to a box of tissues at all times.

We are now on Day 3 of quarantine and I was hoping I'd have funnier/more exciting things to write about than this but being sick is awful and really not that exciting. And to think I used to fake being sick when I was a kid just so I could have one of those grape flavored lollipops that me and only like two other people even liked! Well, lesson learned! 

Honestly...not sure what the lesson was/is but that can be said about a few things going on in my life currently. 

I would like to thank pseudoephedrine for giving me the courage/wreckless abandonment to get back to blogging. Also, thank you for helping me tackle that one scene in sophomore acting with Malcolm because it may be some of my best work to date.

Until next time!

Monday, July 11, 2016

Feel and Release

Here's what happened to me yesterday.

7:30am. I wake up before my alarm because it's summer and the sun streams through my window at such a ridiculously early hour. Normally, I would draw the curtains but alas, I need to keep them open so my window A/C unit can work it's magic. The struggle is real. After snoozing my alarm twice, I finally get out of bed, make a cup of coffee, get distracted with trying to pack for the day and run out of time to drink my coffee so I end up dumping it in my to-go tumbler (why I didn't just brew it into that tumbler directly, I don't know).

8:40am. I hop on the train to head downtown. There was so much fucking construction going on that I had no idea whether or not the train I got on would take me where I needed to go but nonetheless, I got on and hoped for the best. I didn't have to be at work until 10:30 but I've been trying to create the habit of working out before brunch service so as to put myself in a more positive place and thereby avoiding any civilian casualties.

9:30am. I'm in class at a studio I've never been to before when all of a sudden the instructor says, "Ok, everybody grab a trampoline!" My approximate reaction:

10:00am. Trampoline torture is over and now I can cross that off my bucket list.

10:30am. I get to work early and find out the private brunch party I'm working is a BABY SHOWER. Normally, parties are easy breezy beautiful CoverGirl but pregnant people (and their friends/families) are freaking high maintenance!! Like. Ok we get it- you are growing a human being inside of you and that's great but you brought that upon yourself so it's no excuse to be exceptionally needy. Needless to say, I was not in the mood to deal with this.

5:00pm. I am finally heading home. I'm exhausted and hungry even though I'd been snacking all throughout my shift because it turns out pregnant people and their friends over order and under eat. When I get home, I can't figure out what to make for dinner. I'm hungry, I smell bad, things just aren't looking good. I have to give myself an emotional pep talk just to get in the friggin shower. Once I'm clean, I sit on the couch, start season two of Madam Secretary and that's when the weirdness starts to set in.

8:15pm. I'm in a weird mood. I say weird because I could not figure out what the hell I was feeling. I don't know where this came from or why I can't snap out of it but before long I'm crying. TEARS. Tears are streaming down my face. I'm confused and sad and I don't know how to sort it out.

No one is around to tranquilize me and put me out of my misery so I'm left to sort this out on my own. I am going crazy trying to sort this out so I do the only thing I can think of to help- I write. I write down everything that comes to mind. Some of it is nonsense but some of it is revelatory and by the time I finish, I have a better idea of what the hell I am feeling.

Last night, I was feeling insecure. 

Everyone has insecurities. I believe this without a doubt. We all carry them but they manifest themselves differently depending on the person. For me, most of the time it's just a shadow of a thought. Every once in a while, I'll catch myself voicing these insecurities out loud. And then there are those rare times when all the things I'm not confident about rear their heads simultaneously, I get completely overwhelmed and the result is a Category 5 meltdown. I'm not going to write about those insecurities themselves because that would be way too vulnerable and daring of me and I'm not that cool. But I will say that I gave myself permission to feel whatever was coming up- sadness, anger, frustration, fear, loneliness. I cried a lot and eventually I fell asleep but not before I cried more. I gave myself permission to be an emotional mess and in hindsight, it was amazing.

I don't know what brought this on. Maybe I was sleep deprived. Maybe working brunch is an emotional trigger. Maybe I was a little jealous of that pregnant woman who was surrounded by all her loved ones and celebrating the next clear chapter of her life. I don't know what is next. Sometimes that makes things exciting, sometimes it's messy and sometimes it's really scary.

Someone once told me that I have to let myself feel things so that I can let them go. Starting today, I am trying to be more aware of feeling whatever comes up and then letting that shit go.

Feel and release.

How's that for a Monday mantra?

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Losing Track of Time

Remember that last post where the general gist was how wonderful things in my life were? Before publishing, I sent it to my closest friends and advisors. I was afraid it was too self-indulgent and painted this picture of some perfect life I was living. One friend said in response to my concerns, "You'll find more to rant about that's not positive, I'm sure. Life guarantees that." 

So here's a rant.

I may not seem like the most organized person (see previous post) but I like to think I live in a state of organized chaos. Last week, I was thwarted.

I misplaced my watch. I could not find it. I had no idea where I set it down one morning and it was not reappearing. My left wrist felt weird and I was constantly conscious of the fact that my watch was missing. I had it one second and the next I had completely forgotten where I set it down. Like a complete moron. Or this cat.

When I was little and I lost something, I would search "everywhere" for it and when I still couldn't find it, my mom would step in to save the day. Seeing as how my mother is approximately 510.6 miles away from me, my usual methods were not going to be affective so I needed to find different solution. 

Here are some of the things I did in an effort to find my damn watch. 

1. I retraced my steps from the time when I put on my watch in the morning to the moment I realized it was missing. The only problem with this is that I was aimlessly moseying about my apartment for the most part so everything was kind of a blur of laziness. 

2. I attempted to go about the rest of my day and forget about it for a while. When I lose something important, I become obsessed with finding it; it's all I'll think about. So in an effort to get my mind off my temporary loss, I tortured myself with exercise and treated myself to brunch and proceeded to wander downtown Manhattan for the next hour. The idea was after a full day I would return home and suddenly remember where I placed the watch. FAILED.

3. I recruited backup and dragged my roommate into the search for my time piece. After searching every inch of the living room/bathroom/kitchen to no avail, I alerted the boyfriend and my mother about my missing watch because things were looking bleak and I needed emotional support. I was hoping that with their encouragement, my search would be reinvigorated... FAILED.

4. I told myself I couldn't go out on a Saturday night until I found this stupid watch. Funny thing is that I still hadn't found the watch but I went out anyway. So...FAILED.

I'm sure you can guess how this post ends...after almost a full 48 hours of searching, I found my watch ON THE TOP SHELF OF MY CLOSET. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING PUTTING IT THERE!?

I have no clue. And I honestly don't even remember what I was looking for up there when I discovered the hiding place of my precious watch.

But right after I was done acknowledging my own idiocy, I rejoiced. I was so so happy that I could finally get on with my life.


Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Finding Balance (and Excuses)

Hi, my name is Kelsey. It's been almost two months since my last blog post...yikes. A lot has happened in that time but the biggest thing is that I finally feel like I'm finding my balance here in the city. In short, I just tried using my soul searching as an excuse for not writing...

Yikes. Ok. Here are my real excuses.

The first excuse is that I was searching for a new job. After lots of emails, a little pavement pounding, a handful of interviews, and an excruciating amount of training, I have landed at a restaurant that rhymes with Skittle Shark. In the handbook I was given in training, there is a whole clause about how employees are strictly FORBIDDEN from remarking on said establishment in any way on any social media platform so...hopefully this is vague enough to not get me written up and if not...

The second excuse is that I went on vacation with my significant other. At the end of April, boyfriend and I got on a plane and flew across the country for a long weekend in Portland, OR. Thank you once again to my lottery luck for winning me roundtrip tickets on my favorite airline, Southwest.

A couple nights before we left I was feeling a little more nervous about the trip then I had anticipated. Traveling together can be stressful but once we got there, we also had to share a single living space.

Christina Yang is messy so it's fine. 
For the record- I am not a dirty person. I prefer the terms "messy" or "scattered". Allow me to explain- basically, it's just really hard for me to keep all my clothes put away because I try on about 7 outfits before settling on what to wear for any given occasion. And I hate folding/hanging so I usually just toss the rejected articles of clothing onto my bed to be dealt with at a later time. I also leave out every hair appliance imaginable because I use them on a fairly regular basis. My laptop is always on my bed/home office and so is any topical (MT133 vocab #goblue) paperwork/sheet music/receipts/etc. Before anyone sees my room, I have some warning so I can make any necessary adjustments, which usually just involve throwing everything on the floor or in the closet or sometimes just in the trash. HOWEVER, I was going to have no such luxury while we were living in the same hotel room for 4 days so...*cue panic*

In case you were wondering how this issue resolved itself, we spent a good 5 minutes putting things away before we left the room every morning. Yes, we CLEANED UP before housekeeping came to clean up some more... It's not like we didn't have time because my dear, sweet boyfriend doesn't believe in sleep or acclimating to Pacific Standard Time so I found myself awake around 4am every single morning. 4 o'clock. In the morning. ON VACATION. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? We're still an item so he knew better than to actually make me get out of bed until I'd had a couple more hours of shut eye. I always thought I was a morning person but this just took it to a whole new level that I never want to be on. I learned on this trip that even if we ever moved in together (IF. Do not panic mom/dad/other boyfriends/relatives), we would need separate bedrooms.

I probably should write about the actual trip itself. Portland is beautiful. There are so many trees! I think that was one of the first thing I commented on as we were taking the train into downtown. Also, maybe it's because I was just intoxicated from breathing clean air.

I should have been eating only air since we've been back because while we were there, we ate like there was no tomorrow. So much good food. And every one believes in happy hour so you can get delicious bites for so cheap! It's truly an amazing place. 

I could go on and on about every little thing we did but here are the highlights.

Private tasting at Antica Terra with the amazing Carrie
Thompson, who happens to love Savart as much as I do.
- Wine tasting in Willamette. Boyfriend had planned a whole day for us in wine country and I was almost as excited for myself as I was for him. There is a joy that comes in seeing someone you love light up because they're so excited and passionate about what they're talking about. It was like this all day. On a much less romantic note, there were my first tasting where I had to spit. All the tastings we go to in New York (regardless of the hour they occur), I never spit because it's disgusting and I like wine. However, that wasn't an option here because I was driving all day (boyfriend doesn't even have a license). Just know that by the end of tour in Willamette, I had spit more than I ever had in my entire life up until that point. Anyway, most of the wine talk was over my head but it was a big step in my continuing education. And it's always inspiring to spend time with people who are so passionate about what they do.

Nomad PDX. This was the best meal I've ever been out to in my life. The restaurant was still just a pop up in the loft above a cocktail bar. You walk in and there are three or four long stone tables with chairs set up for the reservations that evening. There are never more than maybe 10 people sitting for dinner here at once.  It's intimate and exciting because no matter how much you read about this place, you're still not fully prepared for what's about to happen.  Cheesy anecdote. Boyfriend surprised me with a beautiful bottle of Savart "L'Année" (note: Savart is my favorite champagne producer and champagne is my favorite so this bottle is my favorite of my favorite). Each course was edible art and on the menu under each food item was an awesome quote that related to the dish in some capacity. I'd been pretty good of snapping pictures of the food but this meal was so overwhelming I only got a few shots along the way. We were still reeling in amazement when we woke up and studied the menu the next morning trying to recount every bite. Note: Premier League soccer playing (on mute) in the background, which brings me perfectly to my next highlight.

- Soccer, bubbles, and a baby. Way before we had anything planned on this trip, boyfriend had bought tickets to a soccer game. He had texted me about it, I feigned excitement and we went about our daily lives. All my life I thought those dramatizations of the girl dating a sports fanatic were...dramatic. And while they still may be dramatic, they are in fact based in truth. The day of the soccer game came. It was the morning after Nomad PDX so we were both a little slow moving. Boyfriend was up and running at an insanely early hour as per usual. By the time I fully opened my eyes there was another bottle of Savart on my nightstand. Perfect. So, we headed out for a very early brunch and by 11:30am, we were in line outside of Providence Park, home of the Portland Timbers. Little did I know, we were there 2 HOURS before the game started just to get seats! Sensing my dismay, boyfriend responds with, "You got champagne. No whining about soccer." We now have a standing policy- whenever there is a bottle of an unexpected bottle of champagne brought into the equation, there is some kind of sporting event in our future. Anyhow, it was pretty exciting to be in a stadium full of Timbers fanatics acting like we fit in. We learned all the cheers on the spot and as luck would have it, there was the most adorable little Timbers fan directly in front of us to keep me amused. But honestly, the game was a lot of fun. Boyfriend still shakes his head when I talk about the cutest little Timber there ever was.

So, that was Portland in a very extended nutshell...

On to the next excuse. Oh yea, I wasn't finished yet.

The third and possibly last excuse is Maize and Blue on Broadway.  As everyone who's ever crossed paths with me knows, I love the University of Michigan more than most things in this world. So given that, I was beyond ecstatic when I checked my voicemail after a particularly horrendous brunch shift and had a message from Gavin Creel asking me to give him a call about being involved as a performer in this special performance, which would honor the retiring founder and chair of our department, Brent Wagner. Take a peek at the sizzle reel for a better idea of the magic we all got to be a part of in the August Wilson that evening.

But beyond what happened on stage, as spectacular and incredible as it was, the moments that brought us to that point were the ones that I loved even more- the hours of rehearsals, the lunch breaks, the run through, the after party... I got to see people who I haven't seen in months or years even in some cases. I also met people who I had never met before but could immediately call friends. It was a little weird meeting the young adults who were current students that I had never known...It's the only time in my life so far I'll actually admit to feeling old. Those few days were filled with moments where I was reminded that theatre is what I love and what I want to do. It's fun, it's heartfelt, it's collaborative, it's spontaneous, it's inspiring- it's all the qualities I want in my life wrapped into one amazing art form. It will make you laugh and cry and it will bring together the most amazing people. And those are just a few of the reasons. 

It's so cliche but I came here to follow a dream. These past few months have been wonderful in helping me get grounded and now I'm ready to work for what actually matters to me. Everything happens for a reason- every choice, every setback. I've been telling myself that for so long and now I'm starting to see how it all is falling into place. I am exactly where I was meant to be. 

Things are finally in balance. 

But I'm seeing the Beyoncé world tour in 8 days so I'm ready to have my world rocked.