Thursday, March 22, 2018

Lean Out

the more you say,
the more you hear,
the further I lean out.
the further you lean out.


You need time.
I need time.
It was too soon.
It was too late.
You tried to be honest.
I tried to be brave.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

On Sabbatical

Last week, I flew to Ohio for what I thought was going to be a short visit/tune-up. My quick trip turned into an extended stay and that extended stay is starting to sound like a sabbatical to me.

So, what am I going to do with this time that has been given to me away from the hustle and bustle of New York City?? 


  • Continue training for my half marathon. My younger brother ran a half marathon a few years ago and came in around 1 hr 45 mins (rude). I was aiming for under 2 hrs but now my dreams have changed (I'm competitive). Training is essential but I don't like running outside when it's below freezing and I get bored on the treadmill. I have 31 days and I'm going to be fine.
  • Help my parents. There is a reason why most "adults" do not want to ever live at home again. My parents and I have always had a great relationship but as we all get older (I'm never getting "old"), it has changed and coming back to live with them has presented a set of new challenges. For example, the old challenge was getting me to eat breakfast before going to school. The new challenge is recognizing that they cannot make me eat breakfast even if they think it's what is best for me.
  • Focus on myself. What the hell does that mean? I'm not exactly sure. I think it means spending some time alone. Maybe I take up meditation again? God knows that was not happening for me in New York; something about trying to find peace/stillness in a city that is constantly in motion was really difficult but that's just me.
  • Practice. It is so nice to come home and sit down at the piano. It is also incredibly annoying because all the pieces that I used to fly through, I suddenly have to think about. However, there are pockets of certain pieces that I especially loved that come back like no time has passed at all. I want to keep plugging away at the guitar and my ukulele is still in New York but will be joining the party shortly.
  • Write. A handful of people, who I trust (not exactly sure why), have encouraged me/told me/challenged me to continue writing. So that's what this is- a response to a stimulus. Not sure what my writing will turn into and I don't care right now. I just need to write. 
  • Read. I have a (very rapidly growing) list including: The Husband's Secret by Liane Moriarty, How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett, and It Takes A Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us by HRC (I did not finish What Happened and I am always the person who finishes what I start). I love reading and thank goodness for my mother's library card because I read fast and books are expensive. 
  • Listen. 
  • Get a job? This will be a challenge seeing as how I have a significant amount of travel lined up in the coming months. If I were an employer, I would hire someone else. So getting a "real job" is sort of out of the question. However, I was out the other night (with my parents because I have no friends in Sandusky yet) and there may be some opportunity to help out with a catering company that is just getting started. Honestly, working a few catering gigs in middle America sounds a lot sweeter than a waitressing in downtown Manhattan. 
  • Travel. I fly to Florida in just over 2 weeks to be at the wedding of one of my oldest friends. How amazing is that? It certainly beats this fake spring happening in Sandusky at the moment. Also, weddings are fascinating and thought-provoking. Remind me to write on my experience post nuptial.
  • Cook. Ok, let's not get too ahead of ourselves. 
  • Slow down. I hate this phrase. I put it in the same vein as "one day at a time". I'm supposed to embrace the present. Be "mindful". Growing up, I never thought about mindfulness. It's a word that I only recently became aware of and it's really rocking my boat. I always want to think about what's next. Why is it so hard for me to enjoy what's in front of me? Is this why people go on sabbatical? Will I be able to reach a new level of mindfulness? First of all, I'm not even sure how you can measure mindfulness. Maybe it's one of things that "we'll never know"? I'm curious.
  • Unplug a bit. I found myself getting really caught up in social media/email/technology while I was in New York. It was starting to feel like I was being bombarded by a lot images/messages and it was overwhelming. I took time to clean out my email- that was a huge undertaking considering I've had the same email address since high school. I'm still using my smartphone and I'm still on social media but I'm trying to be more "mindful" of the time I spend attached to the screen. There's that word. Can we call that progress? 
I am learning to love being on sabbatical. It's a slow process because it's not what I thought I wanted but it turns out, it is exactly what I need. 

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Ring Off

Growing up, I always thought that
if a boy loves you, he buys you things.
I thought if he really loves you, he buys you a ring.
And one day, some poor unfortunate soul will love you so much
that he will buy you a big, beautiful diamond.
Whose idea was this originally?
De Beers.
Some genius marketing team in the 1930s came up with that slogan,
"A diamond is forever"
and it worked brilliantly.
In the 10+ years I've been dating,
I've had two rings bought for me.
They were beautiful and I loved them.

But both of them broke.

How much more of a sign do you need, Kels?

P.S. "Ring Off" is a Beyoncé song that inspired this rant.

Catching a Sunrise

I woke up and caught the sunrise this morning.

The blinds in the bedroom I'm sleeping in were closed.
So I got out of bed to open them
and then crawled back under the covers 
where it was warm.
It was lovely while it lasted.

When is the last time I caught a sunrise?

The idea dawned on me somewhere in the midst of romance.
So we got in the car  
and drove down to the beach 
where it was actually a little chilly.
It was lovely while it lasted.

P.S. I don't love the word "lovely".

Thursday, March 15, 2018

A Love Letter

Dear New York,

You were all I thought I ever wanted.
But now I don't know what I want.

So where does this leave us?

When I look back on the time we've shared,
I see a life that no longer satisfies me.
Please know that I wouldn't want to change anything about our time together.
I learned a lot from you.
I would argue that the greatest lesson I learned is that you are not for everyone.

So where does this leave us?

A lot of shit has gone down the last few months.
I was starting to feel like I wanted something else.
But like in any relationship where every day is a fight just to get by,
the longer I stayed in this relationship,
the more I lost sight of what it is that I want.
I was not okay and I'm not sure you are what I need right now.

So where does this leave us?

You learn about different kinds of bias in psychology.
It's hard for me to look back because hindsight is 20/20.
It's hard for me to see my own faults/mistakes because I always do the best I can.
How can we blame or get mad at anyone for that?

So where does all this leave us?

Well, I am leaving you. For now.
I need time and space.
How much?
I don't know.
But I do know that I have to give myself a chance.
A chance to figure myself out- away from you.

You will always be there for me.
You were always there for me and the 8.5 million other people
that you're in a relationship with at any given moment.
We loved each other the best way we knew how.

New York,
you ugly, smelly, gritty, dirty, beautiful, decadent, vibrant, rude city,
I am out of words for you.

"If you love something, let it go. If it was meant to be, it will come back to you."
- Cecelia Ahern, author 


Saturday, March 10, 2018

For Mom

I want more of this.
I want less of that.
There are things I don't know yet.
There are things I haven't written yet.
My mom says, "You know what you need to do."
I am hearing it differently now. 
She also says, "Slow down."
I say, "Keep up."
Thank you.
I love you.